"Man to Man" Grief Room Blog Spot

Book Review, by Timothy Heller, LISW, MAPT “When Your Soul Mate Dies, a Guide to Heroic Mourning” by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., Companion Press, 2016. When I was walking through the library this “new” book, “When Your Soul Mate Dies, a Guide to Heroic Mourning” jumped into my hands. Having worked in Hospice for nearly 30 years, Wolfelt’s work was very familiar. He pioneered the “Companioning” / Grief Reconciliation approach to grief and loss. If you are not familiar with Wolfelt contribution to the field of Bereavement, it is worth your time to explore.   From my experience his “Companioning” model works well with Bereavement groups/ counseling. Being a Hospice Social Worker and Bereavement Coordinator as well as a Survivor of Soulmate Loss (spouse) this book spoke to me directly.   Kind of like when someone says, “that clergyperson was speaking directly to me in her sermon.” My only regret was the book was not available 11 years ago when I lost my soulmate. This ...

Sometimes there is so much to say to our fathers, that never gets said. I heard this song in the late 1980s on the radio on my way to Iowa to see my parents.  It was one of the few trips I made there alone. I started catching these song lyrics to "The Living Years"by "Mike and the Mechanics"  I pulled the car over to the side of the road, just to sit there and listen and reflect on the words and what the words meant to me and my relationship with my own father. On this otherwise long boring trip from Cincinnati to central Iowa, I told myself I need to reach out to my father, who was 66 at the time, to re-open up the lines of communication.  My mother had always been the talker, my father was usually quiet and humble.  He was an intelligent man and like most men of his time, kept his thoughts to himself. In his life time, he had been through a lot- his mother died when he was 12 and thus was raised by his father and older sister. He grew up during the Great De...

Dealing With Grief Posted on   October 5, 2015   by   Jason  Fierstein, MA/LPC  http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2015   The Tale of The Mustard Seeds There is a famous tale from the Buddhist text called the Dhammapada about grief that I want to share with you. The wife of a wealthy Indian man in ancient times lost her only child, and out of her desperation and sorrow, was instructed to go meet the Buddha. Many had already thought that she had lost her mind because of her grief. The Buddha told her that before he could bring the chid back to life, she would need to find white mustard seeds from a family where no one had died, and bring them to him. The grieving woman went from house to house, but couldn’t find a household that had not suffered the death of a family member. She finally realized that that there is no house that is free from dying, and she returned to the Buddha, who comforted her and preached the truth about death and dyi...

Its been a long time since I posted here on my blog.  I am back.... Would you buy a car, new or used, without doing your research? Of, course not, you want to be an informed consumer.  As I have noted here before, but is worth mentioning again.....funeral prices and cremation prices have escalated in many parts of the country. If you are in the need to purchase these services, and I do purposely choose the word "purchase," Shop Around, Shop Around. With 47% of people in the US electing cremation, the prices for cremation have taken a big jump, except maybe for a few discount crematories who will provide "Direct Cremation"of the body and return of the ashes without any service / gathering for $645 - $4,000 or so.    By 2018, the U.S. cremation rate is projected to reach 50.6 percent, said Barbara Kemmis, executive director of the Cremation Association of North America ( http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/06/01/new-cremation-trends/28329461/).  Th...

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http://www.guystuffcounseling.com/ COUNSELING FOR MEN - SOLUTIONS WHEN YOU'RE 'STUCK' It's hard to admit, but there are times when we need to reach out for help. As a guy, I know how hard that can be because I've had to do it myself. Yes, I've been 'stuck' just like you and needed counseling for men - so I want you to know you're not alone and there are solutions out there . Solutions like Guy Stuff Counseling. As a counselor for men I've helped hundreds of guys sort through every issue you can imagine, and with great success. Counseling for men can be the ideal place to solve challenges , but going to a counselor and revealing our problems to a stranger can be intimidating and uncomfortable.  That’s how Guy Stuff Counseling and this website came about. Our goal is to provide a helpful and beneficial resource for men (and the women who love them) to access professional expertise and advice in a convenient, non-threatening man...

http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/2014/03/11/funeral-arrangements-get-price-lists-before-making-decisions/ Boomer Consumer The Boomer Consumer is dedicated to helping boomers get what they want in life through using consumer information, making effective choices, and sharing their own experiences. Funeral arrangements: Get price lists before making decisions Posted on March 11, 2014 | By Rita R. Robison Print 1 Many consumers will find that, like me, they’ll end up in a funeral home making funeral arrangements. One of my first big consumer articles in my early day as a consumer journalist was writing about funeral costs. The Federal Trade Commission was considering adopting a Funeral Rule, so I went to the funeral homes in Spokane, Wash., where I lived at the time, to see what practices consumers were experiencing. All the funeral directors interviewed said they were offering information on prices to consumers and weren’t ...

When Does Grief Become Depression? Is there a point at which grief morphs into clinical depression? Published on March 21, 2012 by Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D. in The New Grief 2 in Share Last week, NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” aired a show that explored the line between grief and depression . Although they are quite different, they look surprisingly alike. Panelist Dr. Michael Miller, editor of the  Harvard Mental Health Letter  and assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said that with both grief and depression “People cry. They feel depressed. They’re having trouble sleeping . They may not have an appetite . They may not feel like doing anything. They may not take pleasure in anything.” Related Articles DSM-5 Controver...

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bode-miller-breaks-down-over-brothers-death-in-olympics-interview-defends-reporter-against-backlash-2014172#comment-1248752693  I think we are still living in the Dark Ages when it comes to real men, i.e., Bode Miller, expressing their emotions in public, as was the case of Bode Miller, when he was being interviewed after his medal win. This story here uses the terms "Breaks down over Brother's death." While I did not see the whole interview, I suspect the same reporter may have asked him, "How are you holding up?" It just tells me, this reporter and maybe the larger society, can't handle it when a man shows anything but anger in public. There is nothing wrong with a man expressing emotion, feelings of grief and loss, after the death of a loved one. I don't think the interviewer went too far in asking the question. I object to the terminology used in the article. Men need to be able to g...

So you think you are ready to start dating again....Think again. Ask yourself a few simple questions.... There are a lot of questions and concerns you need to consider before you just go head long in dating/marriage.  I ask you to consider going through some pre-martial preparation from a licensed professional or a skilled clergy person before you get married.   It is likely the first serious dating relationship may be a "transitional figure" who you are not ready to bound with if you have not completed your grief work.  Another consider is it is likely that one or both of you have minor children or adult children. Go SLOW. One stat from the past stated that 50% of men who married in less than a year ended in divorce.  On the side, men live longer if they remarry. I am not saying there is anything wrong with remarrying, but first you need to work through your grief and mourning process.  A year and a half after the death of a spouse, 15% of ...

15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief Posted on November 21, 2013 by Teryn O'Brien   After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process. I pass this onto anyone on the journey. 1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly. 2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day.  When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day. 3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling. 4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss. 5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t f...

Mesothelioma Cancer Emily Walsh, Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Mesothelioma Awareness Day asked me to pass this along on my blog,  "Did You Know" Source: Learn More: www.mesothelioma.com ?

Depending when you are coming upon this blog, I thought I should introduce an article on Anticipatory Grief .... Looking back on my own experience of caring for my late wife and working with hospice families I see anticipatory grief as hard work. If you are not too exhausted from the drain of emotions and the hands on care giving, the time after the terminal diagnosis and before the passing of your loved one can be a time of reflection and even an opportunity to gain new insights into your dying loved one and yourself.  I feel like it is a last chance to tell your dying loved the things that you may not have ever got around to saying to him or her.  I told myself and tell my hospice families not to be left with regrets.  As you are caring for your lived one look for "windows of opportunity" to speak with your loved one while they are still alert.  Remember even when they are non-responsive they can still hear you, because as you may have heard, "the hearing is the...

Brother David Steindl-Rast answers Dr. Ken Kramer's questions, "What do you to say to someone who is grieving?" and "How do YOU want to die?" From a 1990 interview at San Jose State University. Brother David is a Roman Catholic Benedictine monk and known for his web site Gratefulness.org  In this interview he reflects on grief and the importance of living and being aware of your purpose.   Tell me what you about this video.

Men want to take action in the face of grief. In my grief work through hospice, over the years I have met many people, both men and women,who were looking for support to work through their grief. Generally I have found men want to take action and women want to talk to others to get through their grief after the death of a loved one.  I found activity or action help after the death of my wife.  Part of my action was designing this blog on men's grief. Works by Tom Golden, LCSW,  do an excellent job of helping people understand this difference between men's and women's grief, "Swallowed by a Snake" is one such book he wrote, others have followed. About 4-5 years ago, one couple in their 60's  from our SE Indiana community experienced the death of their 39 year old son, "Wolfgrang" from cancer.  His mother pretty much tried to handle her grief through traditional ways usually associated with women's way of experiencing her loss.  After a year o...

New to Grief.... you may feel like a chameleon trying to conform and do grief "right."  Don't let people tell you how you "should" grieve.  You will grieve your own way, in your own time.  Forget the euphemisms people through at you to try to "comfort" you.   "Time heals all wounds," "She lived a long time," "Now he's an angel in heaven." "You are young you can find somebody else,"“Let go and move on," They will say to little boys,"Big boys don't cry".... Your well-meaning family, friends, co-workers may be well meaning with their euphemisms, but they do more bad than good to help you with your grief process.  

In Darlene Cross's new book: "A New Normal: learning to live with grief " she points out one of the most important things new grief newbies need to know: "The most widely model you may have had likely heard bout is commonly referred to as the ' stages of grief. ' ...Keep reading because the shocking truth is there is no such thing." Many people learned in school or church about he stages of grief. It is usually described as a neat set of steps that carry you from one stage to another in a neat, smooth package - forget it- is right. - http://www.amazon.com/New-Normal-Learning-Grief-ebook/dp/B0036FUS6M/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

"Say Their Names" This Thanksgiving                                                                                                                            link written by Tom Zuba tomzuba.com Thanksgiving is two weeks from yesterday. The truth is that many will arrive at holiday celebrations hoping, praying, expecting, and certainly wondering if anyone will mention the name of the person they love that died. The reality is that sadly, very few, if anyone, will "say their name" creating silent pain on top of indescribable pain. It does not have to be that way. Be proactive. Create a plan. In this blog I present concrete, doable steps you can take now to en...

A Grief Note: I have slipped away in the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name; Speak to me in the same easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Sing, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken often without effort. Life mea ns all that it ever meant. There is absolutely unbroken continuity. why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight? I am but waiting for you for an interval, very near, all is well. One brief moment and all will be as it was before- Only better, Infinitely happier and forever- We will be all together with Christ. - From a Carmelite Monastery

Mourning is "Grief gone public"...  taking our internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of ourselves.  Grief alone without its outward expression of mourning is crippling to the griever.   Traditional concepts of "be strong" and "how are you holding up?" further increase the possibility of complicated grief later on.  The time of mourning is best experienced in the context of  a community of support.  Grief alone can easily take the griever down the road of  falling into avoidance behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorders, self injurious behavior, risk taking behaviors, isolating, fighting and other unhealthy behaviors that attempt to relieve the often overwhelming feelings that come with grief. I found this "going public" with my grief to be quite freeing when I first starting talking to others and eventually incorporating it into my professional practice when appropriate.        ...