CONTINUING BONDS AFTER DEATH

CONTINUING BONDS AFTER DEATH

Continuing Bonds, Attachment, and Grief: Food For Thought by Illene C. Noppe, PhD John Bowlby’s attachment theory is not only appreciated for its emphasis on the emotional necessity of the affectional tie infants have for their parents, but also for its recognition that separation and loss are central themes in these relationships. According to Bowlby (1969) and his colleagues (especially Mary Ainsworth), infants are biologically predisposed to seek to be closer to their loved ones, especially in times of perceived or real danger. Given the dependency of infants and young children, times of proximity seeking are predominant when the child is separated from his or her loved ones, anxious and uncomfortable. Attachment, as a life span system, changes in nature from physical proximity to internalized symbolic proximity, but the need for closeness to those whom we love remains a lifelong pursuit. As an intermediary step, many children (and perhaps even adults) attach to a transitional object that is symbolic of the attachment figure. Teddy bears, blankets, and articles of clothing have frequently been identified as transitional objects. This sets the stage for grief—in the face of death physical proximity is unattainable, frustrating, and usually the source of significant distress. Bowlby recognized, therefore, that the grieving individual somehow must change the nature of the bond in some way, so that connection is maintained without the physical presence of the deceased (Stroebe & Schut, 2005). Resonant with many aspects of attachment theory, continuing bonds theory, as originally proposed in the landmark book by Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996) repudiated the notion that “successful” adaptation to loss of loved ones via death mandated a severance of emotional ties to the deceased. Rather, these authors portrayed the maintenance of these relationships through the formation of an inner representation (akin to Bowlby’s idea of the internal working model) as a way of coping with loss. Since the publication of this book, a number of theoretical and empirical papers have examined the significance of continuing bonds in understanding resilienc® Volume 34, No. 4 • October 2008 www.adec.org 3 Death by Chocolate in bereavement and complications in grieving (Field, Gao, & Paderna, 2005; Neimeyer, Baldwin & Gillies, 2006). A variety of ways in which bonds are maintained in the face of death have been discussed in the literature inspired by Silverman and Nickman’s (1996) findings that bereft children retained ties to their deceased parent by using him or her as a role model, by talking to their deceased parent, by keeping something that belonged to him or her, or by simply remembering shared activities. Perhaps what has not been examined in more detail, are the ways in which certain types of continuing bonds behavior may be more or less facilitative of adaptation to loss. And this is where food may play an important role. Attachment theory suggests that caregiving sensitivity is a significant factor in promoting security in infants. The most common context for such sensitivity, cutting across all cultures, occurred within the feeding situation. It is here that the attachment system becomes readily engaged as the infant learns that his or her signals and biological needs, in the optimal case, are attended to appropriately and consistently. In many ways, nourishment becomes the intermediary wherein the child’s primary physical needs are met, and nourishment also becomes the way that comfort, warmth, and a sense of felt security is fostered. So too, food and nourishment is a central feature of the caregiving system (George and Solomon, 1999), which considers the reciprocal system of the parental need to respond to children to offer them protection and enhance their survival. Caregiving with food, therefore, is engaged early on and continues throughout parenting and loving others; food gathering, preparation, and feeding are rich activities that offer shared experiences with those whom we love. Given the significance of food in attachment and caregiving, it should come as no surprise that food may play a central role as a continuing bond behavior in the face of bereavement. Food becomes the transitional object as the nature of the relationship changes from the physical to the mental. There are many ways in which food serves to sustain the continuity of a relationship disrupted by death. From the perspective of the attachment system, continuing bonds are fostered by receiving nourishment during the time of grief, usually in terms of what we call “comfort foods.” Those who have suffered a loss treasure the recipes, favorite foods, china and cooking utensils that bring to mind the communal aspects of the relationship that no longer has the physical connection. Food and its associated accoutrements, are examples of transitional objects that are a part of many attachment systems. Mary Ainsworth noted that affectional ties are based upon reciprocity, effectance and trust. Food may play a vital role in all three of these features, as the feeding and receiving are part of the mutuality of the bonds in significant relationships, effectance is achieved when food sustains, comforts and promotes health, and trust in the belief that the best intentions are offered in the dishes that are lovingly prepared or even purchased! Effectance may particularly be difficult when nurturing the dying, because of the inevitability of the decline in health so counterintuitive to the use of food for nurturance and growth. Thus, the use of food, in nurturing the dying and maintaining a connection to the deceased, may be an important way in which the caregiving system, the reciprocal part of the attachment system, enacts continuing bonds with the deceased. In many cultures, food plays a central role in funeral practices and yearly ancestral rituals. Food is prepared to nurture the grieving, but also is a major aspect of readying the spirit or soul for passage to another world, and for remembering and bringing forth those souls in the later years. Recipes and favorite dishes become family traditions as a way of remembering and connecting to the dead, cookbooks are written to honor the deceased, and sometimes favorite meals are left at gravesites. Perhaps the most famous example of this is the bottle of cognac left at the gravesite of Edgar Allen Poe every year since 1949 on the anniversary of his death. Food, particularly its preparation and presentation, provide order and structure during times of chaos and uncertainty. Ritualistic dishes and comfort foods often are cooked and offered in an orderly, prescribed fashion. Unlike some of the more idiosyncratic methods of continuing bonds, food is socially sanctioned and culturally anchored. Such cultural connections are part of the coping strategies promoting resilience for the bereaved, and something recognized by social psychologists (aka “terror management theory”) as a way to handle death anxiety (Solomon, Greenberg, & Pysczynski, 1991). The above theoretical discussion is a reality for many of those who care for the dying and grieve when they die. As an illustration of the relationship between food, continuing bonds, and attachment theory, the following personal reflection, written by Dianne Gray, poignantly describes how food (and its ultimate denial) became the connection between herself and her dying son Austin, and to this day, remains an important part of the continuance of her bond with her child. References Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books. Field, N.P., Gao, B., & Paderna, L. (2005). Continuing bonds in bereavement: An attachment theory based perspective. Death Studies, 29, 277-299. George, C. & Solomon, J. (1999). Attachment and caregiving: The caregiving behavioral system. In J. Cassidy & P.R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment. Theory, research, and clinical applications (pp. 649-670). New York: Guilford Press. Klass, D., Silverman, P.R., & Nickman, S.L. (1996). Continuing bonds. New understandings of grief. Washington, DC: Taylor & Francis. Neimeyer, R.A., Baldwin, S.A., & Gillies, J. (2006). Continuing bonds and reconstructing meaning: Mitigating complications in bereavement. Death Studies, 30, 715-738. Solomon, J., Greenberg, J., & Pysczynski, T. (1991). A terror management theory of social behavior: The psychological functions of self-esteem and cultural worldviews. In M. Zanna (Ed,), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 24, pp. 93-159). San Diego CA: Academic Press. Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (2005). To continue or relinquish bonds: A review of consequences for the bereaved. Death Studies, 29, 477-494. About the Author: Illene C. Noppe is Professor of Human Development at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay. Her research is on adolescence and death, college student grief, and death.