The Elephant in the Room- look out!

"THERE is an (Grief) ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM "

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

--- Terry Kettering

The first year or two after my wife Sandra died, I experienced this "Elephant the Room" feeling with many people except my closest friends.  After a while I decided to conquer the elephant and did so by talking about her all the more. They probably wished I would shut up.  I was taking a chance, but what did I have to lose?  I always wanted be a big hunter like my brother Mike anyway.  Keeping her memory alive was more important than some superficial friendships.-- Tim Heller.

Christmas 2011 came and went.....

Christmas 2011 came and went.  The grief around Christmas is still present at some level, but seems to lessen as the years go by.  For my wife Sandra, Christmas time was a very special time of year- whether we were on the low end of the financial spectrum or in our later years together when we were doing better.  It was not about the Christmas gifts that we gave each other and the children, it was much more about the season itself and the real purpose: Jesus.  Each year Sandra would decorate the house with the growing number of decorations we had accumulated. She was decorating to welcome the King of Kings

Since her death 4 years ago, I have struggled to do the same, but always fall short of her magic touch.  If it were for my daughters Danielle, Jessica and by best friend Wendell and his wife Roxanne it may not have happened at all.  I'm not having a "pity party" here, just giving you the facts.

Today, Wednesday, Nov. 2nd is All Souls Day

Yesterday was All Saints Day
Today, Wednesday, Nov. 2nd is All Souls Day.
All Saints is a day for us in the Catholic Church to remember the Saints in heaven.
All Souls is the day we remember our loved ones who died.

I deaconed at the All Saints liturgy last night and will deacon at the All Souls tonight.

From the first reading in today's eucharist:

In the time of their visitation they will shine forth,
and will run like sparks through the stubble.

Wisdom 3:7
The attached link clears up misconceptionsabout and gives the histroy of these 2 Catholic feasts.
http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0199.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYNOXRifXKQ&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TL_VrSmpW9_oE
Here is a new song  by Martina McBride "I am going to love you through it."

Guys, Get the hankies out and let the healing begin.  This will probably be enough to get you started.

Leave your comments and let me know what you think.

My beloved 1947-2007 Sandra Conley Heller

Add cap

Sandra Conley Heller. by beloved

‎4 years ago today by beloved Sandra and mother of our 2 adult children passed from this life to the next. May she rest in peace, We miss her, Today has been a difficult day for all 3 of us. I had a Mass celebrated for her yesterday at St. Teresa. As a deacon I assisted at the Mass and preached the homily. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Early Phases of Grief: the First Days and Weeks

“Early Phases of Grief: The First Days and Weeks” by Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW



When my wife, Sandra, died 4 years ago, I was with her in our home with DCH Hospice. I told my young adult daughters and my wife’s family and then went about notifying extended family that lived away. Having worked in hospice for over 17 years I thought would have a pretty good handle on this process. I had myself convinced I was prepared for her death. After all, we knew it was going to happen for more than 3 years. However, there is something different about the death of a loved one, when it actually occurs. I soon discovered I needed to actually experience this death and the bereavement phases that followed, before I knew what it was really about. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief.


I would have to say, I still found it difficult at times to actually follow through with the many tasks associated with her death as well as some of the tasks of everyday living. In speaking from my personal, as well as professional experience, it is so helpful to have at least 1 non-judgmental person who you can call to talk to and who will be present for whatever needs to be done. I remember Wendell driving me to the funeral home to implement the plans Sandra had made months earlier. Getting through those early days and weeks would have been more difficult without the help and support of our close friends Wendell and Roxanne. While I did most of the contacts myself, I was able to and did call them for support and was reassured that we would survive and live through it. They were at the house to help in whatever way I needed.


Getting through the first days and first weeks after the death of your loved one can be difficult for most people. You find yourself dealing with situations and people you never may never had to interact with before the death. You may think it is all a bad dream and soon realize it’s not. On day 3 the words, “THIS IS YOUR LIFE” somehow resonated almost like an audio voice when I woke up the morning after the visitation. You may just want it all to stop! I know I did. Some people report feeling like they are “…on a merry-go-round and can’t get off.” I never did like merry-go-rounds.


After hearing the news of the death of your loved one you may be in a state of shock. It is like the fog coming in from the bay and enveloping your space. The fog is filled with confusion and feelings of numbness and unreality, i.e., “This can’t be happening to me.” It is not uncommon to experience problems with organization, memory, processing information, to name a few.


During these initial days and weeks as you venture through your initial unknown journey of grief, it is essential to let at least one, clearing thinking friend or family member walk with you. You do not have to “be strong” and fight this out by yourself. No one is meant to be totally independent. As human beings we are “inter-dependent” on each other and on a higher power however you define it. Even a hermit on an island still needs others to bring him supplies.


In the United States the normal mourning process, within the workplace, becomes counter-cultural where the expectation exists for instant results, rapid resolution of any problem and “zero tolerance” policy toward emotional expressions of grief. There is no specified period of time for the grief/ mourning process. It is not unusual to take 2-3 years to resolve the death of a loved one. It is important to remember grief resolution is unique to each individual and to his or her set of life circumstances.


The grief and mourning process does not come with instructions. Nor is it a series of well defined “stages” or “steps” you graduate through after mastering the previous one. How you grieve and mourn is up to you. Everyone eventually discovers what works for him or her. In the language of grief support/ grief counseling, technically the word “grief” is the result of having experienced the death of a loved one. The word “mourning” is how you go about publicly acknowledging and working through the death. Grief without the mourning process can be destructive and is not a healthy way of becoming reconciled with the death of your loved one. The mourning process is something each grieving individual needs to experience so they can heal over time and become reconciled with their loss. Usually it is not good to think of grieving as in terms of “recovery”. You recover from a broken arm after surgery and you arm is about the same after a period of time. When a close loved one dies your life is forever changed, you become reconciled with the death so you can eventually move on in your “new normal.”


Guidelines for getting through the initial days:


1. Be aware you will be shaken. No matter how well you feel prepared to handle death, it is hard to deal with it when it actually happens. Death will shake the very core of your belief structure. If you are aware that this might happen, it will help you not to be so afraid when it happens.


2. Take care of yourself physically. If you have a health problem yourself, you may not think to take care of yourself. If you have been under a doctor's care recently, or have a history of heart problems, stroke, high blood pressure or any other serious health #2 continued problems, it is vital to contact your physician immediately. You have just experienced a traumatic shock. That will affect your body. You may forget to take your medication or it may need to be adjusted. Let your physician know what you are going through so he or she can be of help if needed.


3. Remember to eat. As, I mentioned above, you might not think to eat. You will need your energy for the days ahead, yet food may have no interest for you. Be careful to eat regularly. Don't allow long periods of time to elapse without your eating, and be alert to consume things with nutritional value. Pie may be the only thing that tastes good, but when the sugar boost is gone, you will crash physically and emotionally.


4. Avoid mind-altering substances. If you can, avoid caffeine at this time. This will only contribute to more difficulty sleeping and increased anxiety and agitation. Perhaps try herbal tea instead. Also, avoid alcohol. Alcohol will numb the pain but create many problems later. There are many people who allow themselves to drink initially to numb the grief. It helps, so they continue. Later, they not only still have the grief with which to deal but they also have a problem with alcohol.


5. Loss in concentration. Be aware that your concentration will be affected in those early days and perhaps even for months. If you must make decisions, take a trusted friend or advisor with you. A second pair of ears is always good. Things are thrown at you so quickly that later you may not even realize what you agreed to.


6. Don't drive unless you have no other choice. If you must drive, be very careful. In fact, if at all possible in those early days, have someone else drive you where you need to go. Since your mind will be focused on other things, it is important to keep yourself and others safe.


7. Talk about the person who has died. It is important as well as normal to talk about what has happened. You may find yourself telling the story over and over, but that's okay. Let yourself remember past good times and tell stories about the person who died. Talking is a vital part of the grief process. If you can, talk with others who have been through the process. However, if someone tries to push you into doing or feeling a certain way, it is important to say no. This is a time of great stress for you and not a time to allow anyone to tell you how to react. If you feel there is something you will have trouble answering, ask a family member to stand close to you to help out. I had a friend who felt that if one more person said that her husband wasn't suffering anymore, she felt she would scream. So, at the funeral her brother handled most of the comments made by people, and she was able to concentrate on receiving hugs. For her that worked well.


8. Allow yourself some time alone. At some point before the funeral, take at least an hour to be alone. During this time, say out loud the name of the person and that he or she is dead. Use the word, "dead"; you need to hear yourself say it. There will be emotions connected with this but don't be afraid of them. It is important to hear yourself actually say the words. Later you may change the terminology to transitioned or #8 continued whatever is comfortable for you. But right now you are coming to grips with the concept of death.


9. Sleep may be a problem. Try to go to sleep close to your normal bedtime. You may not feel like sleeping, but keeping your routine is critical. If you stay with your same nightly ritual, whatever that may be, normal sleep will return more easily. Avoid tranquilizing yourself with medication unless allowed by your doctor, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. It is normal to have difficulty sleeping in the beginning, and we will talk more in other articles about how to address this problem over the long run. Right now, just try to stick with a routine.


10. Fatigue will be a problem and, at first, you may not want to be alone. Fatigue is a very common complaint and it may last several weeks. In the initial days, you may want someone to stay with you for that reason as well as others. That person could make sure that you have a hot meal and run interference for you. However, it needs to be someone who will respect your need to talk and your need to be alone and contemplate.


11. Allow others to help. Whether it is your church, friends at work, synagogue, members of a lodge, the military if that is appropriate, a club or any other group outside your family, let them help, They may not know what to say but they will be willing to help with tasks.


12. Honor your emotions. Your emotions will feel like they are on a roller coaster. You will have many feelings. You might even feel anger. It may be anger at the world or anger at God. These are normal emotions. Also, for a long time you will be asking, "Why did this happen?" Eventually, the question will change to "How can I work through these feelings of grief?" However, for now, it is important to get through those early days. Again, there is no right or wrong way.


Life is very fragile. We tend to live it as if nothing bad will ever happen. When it does, we are not prepared for the emotions we will have. Those who have been through a major loss assure us that slowly but surely the good days eventually begin to outnumber the bad. Right now it won't seem that way. So, just file this insight away for the future. You are in the first few days, and nothing will seem like it will ever be right again. This is grief, and the only way to heal is to go through the grief. However, others who have walked the path ahead of you can help ease your journey through this grief.


References Deits, Bob. Life after Loss. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1988. Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster Inc., 1994. Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1961. Levine, Stephen and Ondrea. Who Dies? New York: Anchor Books, 1982. Marshall, Fiona. Losing a Parent. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1993.


Cautionary Note: This article is not meant for self diagnosis and should not be seen as a substitute for professional grief support/counseling. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief. All grief groups and limited grief counseling are available to the public and provided at no charge as a community service. If you want help with grief and/or you want information about our grief groups or grief counseling, please call: Dearborn Co. Hospital Hospice, Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW 800-676-5428. 9.26.2011

No, not angels but saints:

You frequently hear adults tell children that since their loved one died, they have another, "angel in heaven".  Theologically speaking, it can't be, since angels are pure spirit and were never embodied. Our loved ones who passed can be "saints" assuming they are in heaven. I am just saying.

My journey to Uganda

I recently returned back from 2 wks in Uganda.  We stayed and worked at a orphanage /day school called St. Jerome/Cove Alliance School.  This was truly a "life changing" experience.  This was part of a parish mission. I + went with 9 others from my parish + the 4 Cove Alliance group from Chicago. If you go to a 3rd world country like Uganda for the 1st time and your life hasn't changed you were asleep,fool.

Mother's Day

I am late on this posting, but want to include it anyway.

Mother's Day came and went this year and I was away at class for the whole weekend.
It might be a guy thing and being a grief coordinator I should have known better, but I hadn't thought much about Mother's Day and the grief my daughters continue to experience more than 3 years since Sandra's death.  When I heard from them that Sunday afternoon, I understood how the impact of their mother's death continues to be difficult as we make our way through daily life, when mark certain holidays and life events.  I heard one cried all morning and the other just slept through the whole day. 

From a grief counseling prospective, this does not mean they have "complicated grief" going on.  Its just a reminder to me that children, including the adult children, will continue to experience those feelings of grief, loss and "wanting" particularly around holidays and special times of year.

In facilitating my grief groups at work I have said as much as this little factoid, but hadn't thought that would naturally apply to my own family. Was I asleep? May be.

Healing Getting it done

Healing is coming to terms with things as they are,

rather than struggling to force them to be as they once

were, or we would like them to be, to feel secure or to

have what we sometimes think of as our own way.

Reminiscing a bit

This weekend I started classes at St. Meinrad Seminary, St. Meinrad, In.,to finish my Masters in Theological Studies.  On my way down here I stopped in front of the B and B in New Albany where Sandra and I stayed a weekend  after she lived through the first round of chemotherapy.  I remember taking pics of her on the front steps. We talked about proving the Cincinnati surgeon wrong when she said, "If you do EVERYTHING you might live a year."  We did prove her wrong.  With a lot of prayers and support and a lot fight on Sandra's part she lived over 3 years.  That was a great weekend we had together.

Archabbey Church- St. Meinrad

Top 50 Blogs by Social Work Professionals

Top 50 Blogs by Social Work Professionals

This Men's Grief Blog has been name one of the top 50 Social Work blogs. Click link to see the whole list.

Daily Christian Based Grief Emails for a Year- free

Grief Share provides a daily email of grief support for 365 days to get you through your time of grief.
Grief Share is also the name of Christian based grief support groups across the country.  By going to the web site you can sign up for the free daily grief emails and if you like locate a Grief Share Group near you.

Daughter's missing years

I have been doing some extensive redecorating in my home- going from dark shades of green wall papers to pumpkin colored painted walls in the living room, kitchen ,and connecting hallways.

In the mists of these projects, I have had to go through boxes of miscellaneous pictures, girl's old school papers,etc. I came across one picture of our daughters dressed in brides maid dresses posed outside with their mother Sandra. This was probably in the Fall of 2004 after Sandra had finished the surgeries for the ovarian cancer and had lost her hair because of the chemotherapy.

How hard it must have been for the girls with Sandra in and out of the hospital while she was fighting for her life. I tell my grief clients sometimes we idealize how things were while we think about our loved one who died. But I can honestly say, I don't remember either of the girls complaining about this very difficult time.  We were blessed to have two such thoughtful daughters.

Deacon Grief & Loss Continuing Education Presentation

I presented this past weekend with Fr. George Plaster. He spoke about Hospital Pastoral Care to the sick and dying and I spoke about hospice, death, dying and grief and loss. I spoke as a hospice social worker/grief counselor and as a survivor of spousal loss. While I have shared a little bit of my own grief work with others, it was the first time to share it with my fellow brother Deacons. I found healing in this journey of grief - to be speaking about grief to these brothers.

These men and their wives knew Sandra before she died through the Deacon Formation program. We spent much time together- sharing the Eucharist, formation classes and meals. We are a very close group. They provided us so much support and comfort during her sickness and dying. I tearup just thinking about how kind they were. Their presence and support helped make Christ present to us while were going through the most diffucult part of our lives.

I feel like I have worked through my grief over Sandra's death. My job now is to be there for my girls (Dani and Jessie 24 & 26) -when they need me.

When I reflect on gratefulness, I am right back at this spot by my wife's bedside and this group of now 23 deacons and their wives.What a blessing they were then and continue to be today. I know that God called me to the permanent diaconate and brought these brother deacons
into our lives to walk along this diffucult, but necessary path with us.
God Bless each of them and their families.

Collage of pics of Sandra

 

3rd Anniversary 10.10.10

Three years yesterday. I met my daughters for breakfast a 1st Watch in Cincinnati. Then made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch on Rt 8 in No. Ky. It was probably a bad choice to have gone on the same weekend has the anniversary, the girls were upset there because they missed their mother. During the rest of the weekend I kept busy with my deacon work preaching at all 3 Masses and assisted at the Confirmation. Had Danielle out for dinner, then she and I made a late night trip to the cemetery to place our homemade memorial remembering this 3rd anniversary 10.10.10.The pain gets a little less for me with time, but the girls continue to fight on with the grief process.Crisis points in their lives and the expected holidays
are difficult for them.

3rd Anniversary Approaching

The 3rd anniversary of Sandra's death is approaching- October 10th. Even though it gets a little easier as they say, I still get a "lump in my throat" when I think about her death.

Henri Nouwen

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares". --Henri Nouwen

How true, how true

Whole articles follow on Men's Grief after Blog entries

Scroll down past blog enteries whole articles follow on Men's Grief.

The Only 1 that calls you "Honey" now...

This just occured to me over the weekend when I picked up some fast food.

The only 1 that calls me "Honey" now since my wife passed is the girl at the Steak n' Shake drive through. She doesn't even know my name.

Birthday Memorial

Another Valentines Day

Another Valentines Day behind me. It and Sweetest Day were important days in our lives of my late wife and I. We would exchange cards and usually go out for dinner and maybe a movie.

About a week before Valentines Day this year, my daughter Danielle and I were in Krogers. Someone I know from in the community came up to us and asked me if I was buying a Valentines Day card for my wife. I tried not to look surprised and politely acknowledged her question by changing the subject because I did not want to embarrass her.

After she left the card area I asked Danielle if I heard what I think I heard in her question. The same person and I had a conversation one day not to long ago about Sandra's cancer and death.

2nd Anniversay of Sandra's Death 10/10/09

It hardly seems like 2 years and other times it seems like 10 years. It was the 2nd anniversary of Sandra's death, had the 5pm Mass said for her by Fr. Tom. Jessie + Dan+ Dani's friend Wayne attended, along with Wendell & Roxanne my best friends. I preached al three Masses. Friends have been very important to my grief process as well as the support system aspect.

From the old song,"You don't know what you got till its gone" certainly rings true in my case.

Let the past bless us as we face the future with hope Share

As the second anniversary of Sandra's death approaches I was re-reading Ron Rolheiser's book,The Holy Longing, he says,

"We must grieve, let go of the past and let the past bless us as we face the future with hope. Our highs and lows, our joys and sorrows are part of our story, the story of our salvation written by God’s own hand."

This book is well worth your time and money. I think it will be remembered as one of the best books of modern day spirituality.

Grief Released

The recent case of Cincinnati Reds player Joey Votte is one every man should recall when going through the death of a loved one. Earlier in the season he was on the DL and the public didn't know why. He had been repressing the death of his father who had died last August (2008).

Votto's father is the one who taught him how to play baseball."From the beginning of the offseason till spring training I was pretty severely depressed," Votto said. "I was dealing with the anxieties of grief and sadness and fear and every single emotion that you can imagine that everybody goes through." "Going out on the field, I just couldn't do it anymore," Votto said. "The stuff I was dealing with off the field finally seeped its way into the game. I just had to put an end to it because I really couldn't be out there. I physically couldn't do my job."

Votto's teammates had been unaware what was wrong until he spoke to them last week. Talking about his emotions has helped deal with his grief, he said.

"I really hadn't acknowledged how important it is to express the things I had been dealing with on the inside."

Votto received professional grief counseling to help him confront and express his feelings related the the death of his father.

He returned to the Reds and was hitting hard.He will finish this season in grand style.

Purchased a new car....

My 2001 van that my brother Pat & his wife Juliann gave us gave out last week with 207,000+ miles. It blew the gaskets, literally. The oil was leaking into the antifreeze, etc. The repair bill was going to be $2180. Why am I writing about this on a grief blog... This was the first major purchased I made without Sandra who died in 10/07. She actually told me shortly before she died to use some of the insurance money to buy a new car so I had reliable transportation. She also thought I was too tight to maintain 2 cars since you can only drive one at a time.

It seemed strange to commit so much money for a car and to make this decision without Sandra. I am not someone who "needs" a new car when the old one gives up the ghost. I believe in living simply so others may simply live. With one exception many years ago,we have always bought late model used cars from one dealer we can trust. This turned out to be a big mistake- we bought a LeCar. This time I looked at used at this dealer and test drove a car there. I then went to a couple new car dealerships and ended up with a new 2009 Pontiac G3.

In the past Sandra and I would work together against the dealership to try to get a lower price- with Sandra going on and on about how much she had to have the car and with me saying it costs too much.

Now there was no game left to play out. It was just another purchase. I probably would have been just as happy with a used car.

Father's Day 2009

I had a Great Fathers Day with my daughters Danielle and Jessica... We did the Cincy Zoo, Olive Garden for dinner, they gave me 2 flowering plants (which I potted that night) and a gift certificate to a gourmet kitchen shop, coool. I purchased a tagine- a Moroccan cooking pot made of clay. I am very proud of my daughters.

Mothers Day its coming...

Mothers Day its coming...for the 2nd time since Sandra's death. I recall asking her
what the "big deal" was about this holiday in our relationship. After all she was not my mother(I have my own mother who I have a good relationship with) and she was not yet a mother herself in that first year of our marriage. Through Sandra, I quickly came to realize the importance of this holiday (holy day) for my wife and for all wives and mothers.

Last night my younger daughter,Danielle and I were on a trip to get the mower checked out after I hit a rock while mowing our over grown lawn. The subject of Mother's Day came up in our conversation. She teared up and said she misses her mother all the time and more around these special holidays. She asked what Mother's Day means to us now. While I didn't have a quick answer I eventually said it is now a time to still remember her Mom and maybe do a good turn for other "mothers" in our lives. We both cried.- th

Mausoleum Visit

I was missing Sandra today and went to her mausoleum crypt.
I thought it would help.My relatives seemed to have receive solace
and peace by going to the grave sites, but it does not work for me.

3rd Sunday of Lent

Sandra would have liked this homily because of the consistent life ethic. I wish she was around for my practice sessions and at the masses. She always gave good pointers in times like that. This weekend I preached at all 3 masses. The Saturday eve/ 9:00 a.m. Sunday morning Mass gave us the readings of the 10 Commandments and Jesus cleansing the Temple of the profiteers making money off of the poor who came to the Temple to offer sacrifice. They would sell them various animals to be sacrificed. I spoke about how we make idols out of the government.

"You often hear people say, 'I stand behind my government whether they are right or wrong.' There are times when it is necessary to speak up against and even act against the government. It might be in opposition to the war, opposition to the death penalty or another very important LIFE issue like abortion. If we fail to do so we are making a god out of the government.
The teaching of our Catholic faith, found in the Catholic Catechism and from Pope John Paul II, tells us that all life is sacred and must be protected, from the womb to the tomb. All people have a right to life. Violence against a human life for any reason is not a solution for any of the problems faced by our society."

? 2nd Christmas

4th Sunday of Advent...
Christmas is almost here. By the calendar it is the 2nd Christmas. Last year may have been the case of "going through the motions" with the holidays. Sandra died
10 October 07. This seems more like the first Christmas without her. My daughters, Danielle and Jessie, 22 and 24, respectively are having a hard time getting through Christmas because their Mom really got into the meaning of the season. I am having some sad times myself reflecting back. You never truly appreciate someone until they are gone. -th

Beautiful People

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

- Elizabeth Kubler Ross, 1926-2004

I attended a continuing education workshop on chemical depenedency this slide was included. This quote by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a pioneer in the modern day hospice movement made me think of Sandra and the struggles she/we experienced after the ovarian cancer diagnosis.

1 Yr Anniversay of "Sister Death" 10.10.2008

Saint Francis of Assisi referred to death as "Sister Death". He looked forward to it because it was his being united with the Lord.

It is hard to believe a year has passed since Sandra died.
I miss her and know the girls do to.

Her niece Teresa had Dani and I over for dinner tonight. Jessie and
Amy couldn't make it because they had to work.
It was nice to get together for a meal.
Of course we talked some about Sandra.

Also we updated her flowers at the mausoleum.

They say you will always remember what you were doing when JFK
was assassinated or MLK or when the passenger jets hit the Twin Towers creating
911. I will always remember Sandra and how we spent the last days and minutes of
her earthly life.

-th

Labor Day Weekend-

My daughter Danielle and I went to Iowa to visit my parents, brother and his family.
On the way back I was missing and thinking about Sandra. She loved the holidays and enjoyed being around family. -th

17 August 2008

I went out to dinner last night with our best friends, Wendell and Roxanne (I am not sure what I meant by "our" best friends, since there no longer is an "our"). They invited me on Sandra's birthday to give me some company so I wouldn't be setting home alone. We went to a Thai restaurant in Hyde Park and then stopped by Joseph A. Beth Bookstore for a bit. If it wasn't for this God sent couple Sandra's 3 year illness and death, and this bereavement time would have been much more difficult.

It reminds me of the story, A man is sitting on his porch as flood waters rise. A woman floats by in a boat, asking if the man needs help. "No, thank you," says the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." The waters rise higher, sending the man upstairs. A raft full of people floats by his second story window. "Get in," they say, "there's plenty of room." "No thanks," says the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." The flood waters keep rising, pushing the man up to the roof. A helicopter swoops in, lowering its ladder for the man. "Thanks anyway," shouts the man, "I'm trusting in the Lord." Finally, the man is swept away in the torrent and drowns. At the gates of Heaven, the man asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" "What do you mean?'' replies God, "I sent two boats and a helicopter." Wendell and Roxanne are my 'two boats and a helicopter'.

Later today, Jessie and her friend Amy are coming out to the Heller estate to spend some time with Dani and I, share a meal and do some laundry. That will be nice.

Sandra's Birthday 16/8/08 Visited Mausoleum

Stopped by the mausoleum crypt today on Sandra's birthday. I replaced the silk flowers with a new arrangement. She always liked flowers even though she couldn't grow them herself. A latex balloon from an adjoining crypt was whipping around. I tied it in place because I was feeling a need for a sense of order. I didn't stay long because I know shes not really there.

In my case, I feel ambivalent about "going to the cemetery." I come from an Iowa Catholic/Lutheran family, with rural roots, who were big on decorating graves to honor their loved ones. I would have thought I would have inherited the same practice. It seems different when I am doing it for my own wife. Its like I should not have to be doing it. I am too young (52). She was too young.

Sandra's Birthday 16 August 2008

Today is Sandra's first birthday in heaven.

"The Firsts" 13 August 08

As a hospice social worker and grief coordinator, for years, I heard survivors talk about how disconcerting those "firsts" were. Until I started down that road myself, I never quite got it on the heart level. There are at least two kinds of 'firsts'. The times when you temporarily 'forget' your love has died and you go to call him/her and religious and secular holidays. Those firsts holidays were unbelievably empty. My Christian faith, family and some of my friends have been helpful. So far my daughters and I went through most of them together, (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter, Memorial Day -anniversary of moving into our Indiana home).

The other day, my older daughter, Jessie, called and asked me if I was upset because her Mom's birthday was coming up 8/16. While it was in my awareness, I was actually thinking more about the 1st anniversary of Sandra's death 10/10/08.

MoreForgiveness

26July2008

Tonight I stopped by Timothy S's house in Cleves,Oh, the guy who hit Sandra by his crossing the center-line. This accident resulted in Sandra's right leg being amputated above the knee. I introduced myself and told him I was there to tell him I forgave him for the accident. I also told him Sandra forgave him long before she died.

Tim said he was sorry that the accident happened. He said he thinks about it almost everyday. He explained he fell asleep at the wheel on the way home from work. He said he had not been drinking and was not taking his pain meds because he couldn't work if he was on the pain medication. We talked for sometime about the accident, Sandra's death and Christian forgiveness. We embraced then went our own ways.

Our Christian faith has much to say about forgiveness and its importance if we are really going to live it out. Our Buddist sisters and brothers also have much to say on this subject. A Buddist prayer says, " Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed."

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Do You Get Over Grief ? 10 July 08

Ten months have past since my wife, Sandra, died in October 2007. I still think about her everyday. I sensed her presence at my ordination. She wanted to have lived to see it. She wanted just to live period. She is gone. I miss her.

"The Communion of Saints Experience"

I am becoming a bit more at peace with her death. She is at peace with the Lord. I feel confident in this belief. Two weeks before she died she received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick by our then pastor, Fr. Bill Marks. As he administered the Sacrament, he said he could tell something extraordinary was happening. He asked Sandra what was going on. She answered, "Don't you know ? "You are a priest!" Sandra reported having a "Communion of Saints" experience. She was surrounded by all the saints she had prayed for their intercession and also surrounded by angels and Jesus and Mary.

After this experience of Sandra's I knew there was no turning back. I felt like her time to meet the Lord, face to face, was approaching. Prior to that event time I was holding out hope that she might be physically healed through divine intervention. I knew it wasn't meant to be.

I am developing my own personal understanding and experience of what grief is and what becomes of grief. Instead of going away or instead of "working through it," I am feeling like the grief/mourning process is a mystery that becomes interwoven in the fabric of my life and I am evolving with it.

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Forgiveness How? 18 June 08

I am going to be ordained a permanent deacon in less than 2 weeks. Forgiveness needs to happen before I make those promises to God. I need to forgive the man who carelessly crossed the centerline and plowed his Silverardo pick up truck hitting Sandra's car. The accident resulted in her losing her right leg above knee. The loss of her leg was more difficult for her than living with late stage ovarian cancer. Sandra lost chemo time, shortening her life.