“Is Your Lack of Forgiveness Blocking your Grief Process? “




“Is Your Lack of Forgiveness Blocking your Grief Process? “
by
Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW,                  
Spousal Loss Survivor                                                                                                                                      Hospice Bereavement Coordinator

Is there a situation or a difficult history between you and your deceased loved one or a related party that is in need for forgiveness?  Could your unwillingness to forgive your loved one be blocking your grief process?  Many professionals in the grief field would answer the question with a resounding, “Yes.”  You know if this may be an issue for you.  Your deceased loved one may have had a history of physical, sexual or emotional abuse towards you or marital infidelity or chemical dependency.  It may have been your loved one’s inability to properly manage finances, interference from in-laws or taking being able to say good-bye. or some other issue, or it may be about the way your loved passed from this world to the next.

In the life of Leonardo da Vinci who painted the fresco "The Last Supper" in a church in Milan. Two very interesting stories are associated with this painting.  These stories deal with da Vinci while he was living and working, but may still helpful to you in your grief process.

At the time that Leonardo da Vinci painted "The Last Supper," he had an enemy who was a fellow painter. da Vinci had had a bitter argument with this man and despised him. When da Vinci painted the face of Judas Iscariot at the table with Jesus, he used the face of his enemy. 

As he worked on the faces of the other disciples, he often tried to paint the face of Jesus, but couldn't make any progress. da Vinci felt frustrated and confused. In time he realized what was wrong. His hatred for the other painter was holding him back from finishing the face of Jesus. Only after making peace with his fellow painter and repainting the face of Judas was he able to paint the face of Jesus and complete his masterpiece.

In my own life, I found forgiveness to be a necessary element in my own grief reconciliation process after the death of my wife.  From one of my early Men’s grief blog posts:

More Forgiveness

Tonight I stopped by Timothy S's house in Cleves,Oh, the guy who hit Sandra by his rossing the center-line. (26July2006) c This accident resulted in Sandra's right leg being amputated above the knee. This accident certainly shorten the time she had with us. She had been diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer a couple years earlier.

 I knocked on the door of his small modest house.  His wrecked pickup from the accident sat out front. A tall strongly built man answered and confirm he was Tim S. I introduced myself and told him I was there to forgive him for the accident. I also told him Sandra forgave him long before she died.. 

 Tim said he was sorry that the accident happened. He said he thinks about it almost everyday. He explained he fell asleep at the wheel on the way home from work. He said he had not been drinking and was not taking his pain meds because he couldn't work if he was on the pain medication. We talked for sometime about the accident, Sandra's death and Christian forgiveness.  He cried, Wwe embraced each and went our separate ways.

Our Christian faith has much to say about forgiveness and its importance, if we are really going to live it out and work through our feelings of grief and loss.  Our Buddhist sisters and brothers also have much to say on this subject. A Buddhist prayer says, " Hatred never ceases by hatred, but by love alone is healed.

 I never felt more spiritually healed than after the visit with Tim.  It.was more cleansing for me than going to our Catholic Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession).  There was something about that day, standing face to face, standing man to man, reconciling with a guy I had grown to hate for those past 2 years.  The reconciliation opened me up to more healing in my mourning process.

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