5th Anniversary of My Wife's Death

5th Anniversary of Sandra’s Death 10 October 2012


Today is the 5th anniversary of my wife, Sandra’s,death. She died of ovarian cancer, on 10 October 2007after a 3 year battle. While much time has passed and I have moved through my feelings and grief and loss, there are still times I think about her and wonder what she would do in any given situation or another or her opinion about the Church or politics-and what she would think of how I managed since her passing. I have a lot of different thoughts this morning…

After you spend 24 years spent together in marriage, raise two children and experience all the ups and down of life you are bound to have some found memories of those times. It doesn’t mean you haven’t “moved on.” It is more about honoring the memory as you experience the “new normal” and look for a bright future.

A deceased spouse is not to be likened to a divorced spouse who is still around. A guy friend whose 20 year marriage ended in divorce tried to empathize, a couple of months after my wife’s death. He said “I know how you feel because…” This is simply not the same as some would want you to believe. You probably wouldn’t hang on to an ex-spouse’s photos or mementos following a difficult marriage and a nasty divorce. As a hospice bereavement coordinator I do not find it unusual to keep some pictures and other items from your late wife. To rid your home of every piece of memory of your late spouse, even years later, simply because they have died, isn’t right. Those memories are a part of your history and the history of your children. We don’t burn history books because past that time has passed. We save them to be studied later at another point in time.

A friend and I came up with one way to manage the many photo albums, personal journals, quilts, pieces of jewelry, college degrees, certificates of honor, etc. We took the guest bedroom and arranged the items. If my daughters or I want to read the journals or look through photo albums we go into the room and spend some time. This way when they come to visit they aren’t over whelmed with emotion by being surrounded by all the memories.

Holiday traditions…we had several holiday traditions that we did yearly as a family. One of these is crossing the Ohio River on Anderson Ferry to get pumpkins and cider. We did this before we had children and I continue it today.  This year will be different, my older daughter who decided to start new traditions with her partner. My younger daughter wants to go and we will probably end up taking a couple of her friends with us. There are other times when it may be necessary to drop one tradition and find another that has meaning for you.

Comments

John Litton said…
I found your post recently as I searched the thread "five year anniversary of my wife;s death". It is 5 years this year for me and even though each year gets easier, I reach a point that is within the "30days" period before her death and the grief washes over me. Our daughters were 12 and 17 at the time of death. It is soo strange, even today.
Monday, February 20, 2017 at 11:04:00 AM EST
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