GRIEVING LIKE A MAN – SHE CRIES, HE SIGHS
GRIEVING LIKE A MAN – SHE CRIES, HE SIGHS
by
Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW
Everyday we lose children, wives, parents, extended family and significant others to death. Grief is the price we pay for loving others. Grief cannot be avoided. All people need to go through the grief /mourning process after the death of a loved one. If you try to run from grief, it will eventually find you. Avoidance of grief can result in the mourner turning to alcohol or drugs, over eating or possibly developing physical problems of their own.
Men as well as women must face the death of the loved one so they can work through the feelings of loss and grief. Men and women share a number of similarities in the way they process their grief. Before anyone can become reconciled with the death of a family member or a friend, it is necessary to “go into” the grief and experience the feelings of loss.
Research from recent years suggests men grieve differently than women. What does a grieving man do to “get over” his grief ? He does whatever he believes he needs to do to take care of himself, to take control. Some men are comfortable with expressing their grief through crying. A grieving man may believe he needs to carry his grief as a solitary burden for years. Or he may turn to alcohol and/or drugs for a time to numb his pain, using them as a coping mechanism. Other men become work- alcoholics by immersing themselves in their jobs or hobbies “to keep busy.” These attempts to avoid the grief prove to be ineffective in the long run. The grief is still there.
From early childhood through the late adult years, males are socialized not to express feelings. These feelings related to grief and loss are “stuffed” rather than expressed openly in healthy ways. With this kind of training it is no wonder some men have difficulty putting words into feelings. One study of gender communication styles found men only speak about 7,000 words per day as compared to women who average more than 20,000 words per day.
Some men carry around unresolved grief, often without knowing it, that resurfaces with each new death of a loved one and also when other loses in life occur, unemployment, divorce. When unresolved grief is not addressed, it may cause physical problems to develop such as ulcers, heart attacks or other potentially life threatening illnesses. This unresolved grief can also be the fertilizer for chemical dependency. Men may choose to use alcohol, drugs, work, sex or gambling to avoid or numb their feelings. Furthermore, depression and other emotional problems may result.
Few men openly cry at funerals. Since they were small children, men have been told, “big boys don't cry.” Tears and crying may be perceived by some as signs of feminine modes of expression that represent weakness, loss of control and inability to cope. Men frequently mask their feelings because they fear a perceived loss of their masculine identity. The inability to express feelings of sadness leaves men suffering with repressed guilt.
Even today we go to funerals and hear a well-meaning relative tell a 9 year old boy, “You are the man of the house now that your Dad has died. You shouldn't cry. You must be strong for your mother.” Early messages like these that condone the suppression of feelings provide a negative framework to attempt to manage the death of a loved one. The suppression of emotions can result in complicated bereavement for some of the boys and men. This also places this 9 year old child in an inappropriate adult role that he is not able to handle.
Men's Styles of Mourning
Dashers:
Often speed through their mourning.
Tend not to cry, but rather to create an intellectual framework to help them manage the loss.
Think their way through their grief.
Tend to be older men, experienced with loss.
More likely to have take action to prepare for father's death.
Delayers:
Did not have a powerful reaction in the short-term but months, years, or even decades later experienced mourning symptoms.
Heavy use of alcohol and other drugs is a common trait.
Men who lacked experience with major losses seem more likely to bury pain in the short-term.
Displayers:
Primary trait is powerful, acute emotional reaction to the death.
Men tend to feel flooded or overwhelmed.
Tend to experience grief as happening to them; they are not in control.
Months after the loss are emotionally erratic and draining.
Doers:
Deeply touched by the death, but not overwhelmed by emotions.
Focus on action – doing things that consciously connect them with the memory of their father.
Often spend time with photos, tools, books, medals, and other mementoes.
Concept of honoring is often an inspiration for their actions. (Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads, Neil Chethik, 2001.)
Men typically begin their grief journey by closely analyzing the lost relationship. They intellectualize their grief rather than connecting at a feeling level. Men attempt to avoid approaches and other people that put them in touch with feelings. Instead they tend more toward cognitive methods, such as use of self control, active problem solving, solitary expression, thought blocking, reason and logic, reflection and diversionary activities. Most grieving men rarely ask for help.
Grieving men are like novice ice skaters hanging onto the wall fearing they will fall and experience personal failure and the pain that accompanies loss. It is mandatory that you to “let go of the wall” and experience the pain of the many falls it may take before you can become reconciled with the death of a deceased loved one.
If you would like to speak to someone about your grief, you may call Tim Heller for a consultation or for counseling. These services are offered at no costs to the community as well as hospice family members/significant others. For more information on grief groups and other bereavement services you may contact: Tim Heller, LCSW Bereavement Coordinator, Dearborn County Hospital Hospice, Lawrenceburg, IN., 800-676-5428.
01/2007
by
Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW
Everyday we lose children, wives, parents, extended family and significant others to death. Grief is the price we pay for loving others. Grief cannot be avoided. All people need to go through the grief /mourning process after the death of a loved one. If you try to run from grief, it will eventually find you. Avoidance of grief can result in the mourner turning to alcohol or drugs, over eating or possibly developing physical problems of their own.
Men as well as women must face the death of the loved one so they can work through the feelings of loss and grief. Men and women share a number of similarities in the way they process their grief. Before anyone can become reconciled with the death of a family member or a friend, it is necessary to “go into” the grief and experience the feelings of loss.
Research from recent years suggests men grieve differently than women. What does a grieving man do to “get over” his grief ? He does whatever he believes he needs to do to take care of himself, to take control. Some men are comfortable with expressing their grief through crying. A grieving man may believe he needs to carry his grief as a solitary burden for years. Or he may turn to alcohol and/or drugs for a time to numb his pain, using them as a coping mechanism. Other men become work- alcoholics by immersing themselves in their jobs or hobbies “to keep busy.” These attempts to avoid the grief prove to be ineffective in the long run. The grief is still there.
From early childhood through the late adult years, males are socialized not to express feelings. These feelings related to grief and loss are “stuffed” rather than expressed openly in healthy ways. With this kind of training it is no wonder some men have difficulty putting words into feelings. One study of gender communication styles found men only speak about 7,000 words per day as compared to women who average more than 20,000 words per day.
Some men carry around unresolved grief, often without knowing it, that resurfaces with each new death of a loved one and also when other loses in life occur, unemployment, divorce. When unresolved grief is not addressed, it may cause physical problems to develop such as ulcers, heart attacks or other potentially life threatening illnesses. This unresolved grief can also be the fertilizer for chemical dependency. Men may choose to use alcohol, drugs, work, sex or gambling to avoid or numb their feelings. Furthermore, depression and other emotional problems may result.
Few men openly cry at funerals. Since they were small children, men have been told, “big boys don't cry.” Tears and crying may be perceived by some as signs of feminine modes of expression that represent weakness, loss of control and inability to cope. Men frequently mask their feelings because they fear a perceived loss of their masculine identity. The inability to express feelings of sadness leaves men suffering with repressed guilt.
Even today we go to funerals and hear a well-meaning relative tell a 9 year old boy, “You are the man of the house now that your Dad has died. You shouldn't cry. You must be strong for your mother.” Early messages like these that condone the suppression of feelings provide a negative framework to attempt to manage the death of a loved one. The suppression of emotions can result in complicated bereavement for some of the boys and men. This also places this 9 year old child in an inappropriate adult role that he is not able to handle.
Men's Styles of Mourning
Dashers:
Often speed through their mourning.
Tend not to cry, but rather to create an intellectual framework to help them manage the loss.
Think their way through their grief.
Tend to be older men, experienced with loss.
More likely to have take action to prepare for father's death.
Delayers:
Did not have a powerful reaction in the short-term but months, years, or even decades later experienced mourning symptoms.
Heavy use of alcohol and other drugs is a common trait.
Men who lacked experience with major losses seem more likely to bury pain in the short-term.
Displayers:
Primary trait is powerful, acute emotional reaction to the death.
Men tend to feel flooded or overwhelmed.
Tend to experience grief as happening to them; they are not in control.
Months after the loss are emotionally erratic and draining.
Doers:
Deeply touched by the death, but not overwhelmed by emotions.
Focus on action – doing things that consciously connect them with the memory of their father.
Often spend time with photos, tools, books, medals, and other mementoes.
Concept of honoring is often an inspiration for their actions. (Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads, Neil Chethik, 2001.)
Men typically begin their grief journey by closely analyzing the lost relationship. They intellectualize their grief rather than connecting at a feeling level. Men attempt to avoid approaches and other people that put them in touch with feelings. Instead they tend more toward cognitive methods, such as use of self control, active problem solving, solitary expression, thought blocking, reason and logic, reflection and diversionary activities. Most grieving men rarely ask for help.
Grieving men are like novice ice skaters hanging onto the wall fearing they will fall and experience personal failure and the pain that accompanies loss. It is mandatory that you to “let go of the wall” and experience the pain of the many falls it may take before you can become reconciled with the death of a deceased loved one.
If you would like to speak to someone about your grief, you may call Tim Heller for a consultation or for counseling. These services are offered at no costs to the community as well as hospice family members/significant others. For more information on grief groups and other bereavement services you may contact: Tim Heller, LCSW Bereavement Coordinator, Dearborn County Hospital Hospice, Lawrenceburg, IN., 800-676-5428.
01/2007
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