The Early Phases of Grief: the First Days and Weeks
“Early Phases of Grief: The First Days and Weeks” by Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW
When my wife, Sandra, died 4 years ago, I was with her in our home with DCH Hospice. I told my young adult daughters and my wife’s family and then went about notifying extended family that lived away. Having worked in hospice for over 17 years I thought would have a pretty good handle on this process. I had myself convinced I was prepared for her death. After all, we knew it was going to happen for more than 3 years. However, there is something different about the death of a loved one, when it actually occurs. I soon discovered I needed to actually experience this death and the bereavement phases that followed, before I knew what it was really about. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief.
I would have to say, I still found it difficult at times to actually follow through with the many tasks associated with her death as well as some of the tasks of everyday living. In speaking from my personal, as well as professional experience, it is so helpful to have at least 1 non-judgmental person who you can call to talk to and who will be present for whatever needs to be done. I remember Wendell driving me to the funeral home to implement the plans Sandra had made months earlier. Getting through those early days and weeks would have been more difficult without the help and support of our close friends Wendell and Roxanne. While I did most of the contacts myself, I was able to and did call them for support and was reassured that we would survive and live through it. They were at the house to help in whatever way I needed.
Getting through the first days and first weeks after the death of your loved one can be difficult for most people. You find yourself dealing with situations and people you never may never had to interact with before the death. You may think it is all a bad dream and soon realize it’s not. On day 3 the words, “THIS IS YOUR LIFE” somehow resonated almost like an audio voice when I woke up the morning after the visitation. You may just want it all to stop! I know I did. Some people report feeling like they are “…on a merry-go-round and can’t get off.” I never did like merry-go-rounds.
After hearing the news of the death of your loved one you may be in a state of shock. It is like the fog coming in from the bay and enveloping your space. The fog is filled with confusion and feelings of numbness and unreality, i.e., “This can’t be happening to me.” It is not uncommon to experience problems with organization, memory, processing information, to name a few.
During these initial days and weeks as you venture through your initial unknown journey of grief, it is essential to let at least one, clearing thinking friend or family member walk with you. You do not have to “be strong” and fight this out by yourself. No one is meant to be totally independent. As human beings we are “inter-dependent” on each other and on a higher power however you define it. Even a hermit on an island still needs others to bring him supplies.
In the United States the normal mourning process, within the workplace, becomes counter-cultural where the expectation exists for instant results, rapid resolution of any problem and “zero tolerance” policy toward emotional expressions of grief. There is no specified period of time for the grief/ mourning process. It is not unusual to take 2-3 years to resolve the death of a loved one. It is important to remember grief resolution is unique to each individual and to his or her set of life circumstances.
The grief and mourning process does not come with instructions. Nor is it a series of well defined “stages” or “steps” you graduate through after mastering the previous one. How you grieve and mourn is up to you. Everyone eventually discovers what works for him or her. In the language of grief support/ grief counseling, technically the word “grief” is the result of having experienced the death of a loved one. The word “mourning” is how you go about publicly acknowledging and working through the death. Grief without the mourning process can be destructive and is not a healthy way of becoming reconciled with the death of your loved one. The mourning process is something each grieving individual needs to experience so they can heal over time and become reconciled with their loss. Usually it is not good to think of grieving as in terms of “recovery”. You recover from a broken arm after surgery and you arm is about the same after a period of time. When a close loved one dies your life is forever changed, you become reconciled with the death so you can eventually move on in your “new normal.”
Guidelines for getting through the initial days:
1. Be aware you will be shaken. No matter how well you feel prepared to handle death, it is hard to deal with it when it actually happens. Death will shake the very core of your belief structure. If you are aware that this might happen, it will help you not to be so afraid when it happens.
2. Take care of yourself physically. If you have a health problem yourself, you may not think to take care of yourself. If you have been under a doctor's care recently, or have a history of heart problems, stroke, high blood pressure or any other serious health #2 continued problems, it is vital to contact your physician immediately. You have just experienced a traumatic shock. That will affect your body. You may forget to take your medication or it may need to be adjusted. Let your physician know what you are going through so he or she can be of help if needed.
3. Remember to eat. As, I mentioned above, you might not think to eat. You will need your energy for the days ahead, yet food may have no interest for you. Be careful to eat regularly. Don't allow long periods of time to elapse without your eating, and be alert to consume things with nutritional value. Pie may be the only thing that tastes good, but when the sugar boost is gone, you will crash physically and emotionally.
4. Avoid mind-altering substances. If you can, avoid caffeine at this time. This will only contribute to more difficulty sleeping and increased anxiety and agitation. Perhaps try herbal tea instead. Also, avoid alcohol. Alcohol will numb the pain but create many problems later. There are many people who allow themselves to drink initially to numb the grief. It helps, so they continue. Later, they not only still have the grief with which to deal but they also have a problem with alcohol.
5. Loss in concentration. Be aware that your concentration will be affected in those early days and perhaps even for months. If you must make decisions, take a trusted friend or advisor with you. A second pair of ears is always good. Things are thrown at you so quickly that later you may not even realize what you agreed to.
6. Don't drive unless you have no other choice. If you must drive, be very careful. In fact, if at all possible in those early days, have someone else drive you where you need to go. Since your mind will be focused on other things, it is important to keep yourself and others safe.
7. Talk about the person who has died. It is important as well as normal to talk about what has happened. You may find yourself telling the story over and over, but that's okay. Let yourself remember past good times and tell stories about the person who died. Talking is a vital part of the grief process. If you can, talk with others who have been through the process. However, if someone tries to push you into doing or feeling a certain way, it is important to say no. This is a time of great stress for you and not a time to allow anyone to tell you how to react. If you feel there is something you will have trouble answering, ask a family member to stand close to you to help out. I had a friend who felt that if one more person said that her husband wasn't suffering anymore, she felt she would scream. So, at the funeral her brother handled most of the comments made by people, and she was able to concentrate on receiving hugs. For her that worked well.
8. Allow yourself some time alone. At some point before the funeral, take at least an hour to be alone. During this time, say out loud the name of the person and that he or she is dead. Use the word, "dead"; you need to hear yourself say it. There will be emotions connected with this but don't be afraid of them. It is important to hear yourself actually say the words. Later you may change the terminology to transitioned or #8 continued whatever is comfortable for you. But right now you are coming to grips with the concept of death.
9. Sleep may be a problem. Try to go to sleep close to your normal bedtime. You may not feel like sleeping, but keeping your routine is critical. If you stay with your same nightly ritual, whatever that may be, normal sleep will return more easily. Avoid tranquilizing yourself with medication unless allowed by your doctor, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. It is normal to have difficulty sleeping in the beginning, and we will talk more in other articles about how to address this problem over the long run. Right now, just try to stick with a routine.
10. Fatigue will be a problem and, at first, you may not want to be alone. Fatigue is a very common complaint and it may last several weeks. In the initial days, you may want someone to stay with you for that reason as well as others. That person could make sure that you have a hot meal and run interference for you. However, it needs to be someone who will respect your need to talk and your need to be alone and contemplate.
11. Allow others to help. Whether it is your church, friends at work, synagogue, members of a lodge, the military if that is appropriate, a club or any other group outside your family, let them help, They may not know what to say but they will be willing to help with tasks.
12. Honor your emotions. Your emotions will feel like they are on a roller coaster. You will have many feelings. You might even feel anger. It may be anger at the world or anger at God. These are normal emotions. Also, for a long time you will be asking, "Why did this happen?" Eventually, the question will change to "How can I work through these feelings of grief?" However, for now, it is important to get through those early days. Again, there is no right or wrong way.
Life is very fragile. We tend to live it as if nothing bad will ever happen. When it does, we are not prepared for the emotions we will have. Those who have been through a major loss assure us that slowly but surely the good days eventually begin to outnumber the bad. Right now it won't seem that way. So, just file this insight away for the future. You are in the first few days, and nothing will seem like it will ever be right again. This is grief, and the only way to heal is to go through the grief. However, others who have walked the path ahead of you can help ease your journey through this grief.
References Deits, Bob. Life after Loss. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1988. Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster Inc., 1994. Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1961. Levine, Stephen and Ondrea. Who Dies? New York: Anchor Books, 1982. Marshall, Fiona. Losing a Parent. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1993.
Cautionary Note: This article is not meant for self diagnosis and should not be seen as a substitute for professional grief support/counseling. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief. All grief groups and limited grief counseling are available to the public and provided at no charge as a community service. If you want help with grief and/or you want information about our grief groups or grief counseling, please call: Dearborn Co. Hospital Hospice, Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW 800-676-5428. 9.26.2011
When my wife, Sandra, died 4 years ago, I was with her in our home with DCH Hospice. I told my young adult daughters and my wife’s family and then went about notifying extended family that lived away. Having worked in hospice for over 17 years I thought would have a pretty good handle on this process. I had myself convinced I was prepared for her death. After all, we knew it was going to happen for more than 3 years. However, there is something different about the death of a loved one, when it actually occurs. I soon discovered I needed to actually experience this death and the bereavement phases that followed, before I knew what it was really about. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief.
I would have to say, I still found it difficult at times to actually follow through with the many tasks associated with her death as well as some of the tasks of everyday living. In speaking from my personal, as well as professional experience, it is so helpful to have at least 1 non-judgmental person who you can call to talk to and who will be present for whatever needs to be done. I remember Wendell driving me to the funeral home to implement the plans Sandra had made months earlier. Getting through those early days and weeks would have been more difficult without the help and support of our close friends Wendell and Roxanne. While I did most of the contacts myself, I was able to and did call them for support and was reassured that we would survive and live through it. They were at the house to help in whatever way I needed.
Getting through the first days and first weeks after the death of your loved one can be difficult for most people. You find yourself dealing with situations and people you never may never had to interact with before the death. You may think it is all a bad dream and soon realize it’s not. On day 3 the words, “THIS IS YOUR LIFE” somehow resonated almost like an audio voice when I woke up the morning after the visitation. You may just want it all to stop! I know I did. Some people report feeling like they are “…on a merry-go-round and can’t get off.” I never did like merry-go-rounds.
After hearing the news of the death of your loved one you may be in a state of shock. It is like the fog coming in from the bay and enveloping your space. The fog is filled with confusion and feelings of numbness and unreality, i.e., “This can’t be happening to me.” It is not uncommon to experience problems with organization, memory, processing information, to name a few.
During these initial days and weeks as you venture through your initial unknown journey of grief, it is essential to let at least one, clearing thinking friend or family member walk with you. You do not have to “be strong” and fight this out by yourself. No one is meant to be totally independent. As human beings we are “inter-dependent” on each other and on a higher power however you define it. Even a hermit on an island still needs others to bring him supplies.
In the United States the normal mourning process, within the workplace, becomes counter-cultural where the expectation exists for instant results, rapid resolution of any problem and “zero tolerance” policy toward emotional expressions of grief. There is no specified period of time for the grief/ mourning process. It is not unusual to take 2-3 years to resolve the death of a loved one. It is important to remember grief resolution is unique to each individual and to his or her set of life circumstances.
The grief and mourning process does not come with instructions. Nor is it a series of well defined “stages” or “steps” you graduate through after mastering the previous one. How you grieve and mourn is up to you. Everyone eventually discovers what works for him or her. In the language of grief support/ grief counseling, technically the word “grief” is the result of having experienced the death of a loved one. The word “mourning” is how you go about publicly acknowledging and working through the death. Grief without the mourning process can be destructive and is not a healthy way of becoming reconciled with the death of your loved one. The mourning process is something each grieving individual needs to experience so they can heal over time and become reconciled with their loss. Usually it is not good to think of grieving as in terms of “recovery”. You recover from a broken arm after surgery and you arm is about the same after a period of time. When a close loved one dies your life is forever changed, you become reconciled with the death so you can eventually move on in your “new normal.”
Guidelines for getting through the initial days:
1. Be aware you will be shaken. No matter how well you feel prepared to handle death, it is hard to deal with it when it actually happens. Death will shake the very core of your belief structure. If you are aware that this might happen, it will help you not to be so afraid when it happens.
2. Take care of yourself physically. If you have a health problem yourself, you may not think to take care of yourself. If you have been under a doctor's care recently, or have a history of heart problems, stroke, high blood pressure or any other serious health #2 continued problems, it is vital to contact your physician immediately. You have just experienced a traumatic shock. That will affect your body. You may forget to take your medication or it may need to be adjusted. Let your physician know what you are going through so he or she can be of help if needed.
3. Remember to eat. As, I mentioned above, you might not think to eat. You will need your energy for the days ahead, yet food may have no interest for you. Be careful to eat regularly. Don't allow long periods of time to elapse without your eating, and be alert to consume things with nutritional value. Pie may be the only thing that tastes good, but when the sugar boost is gone, you will crash physically and emotionally.
4. Avoid mind-altering substances. If you can, avoid caffeine at this time. This will only contribute to more difficulty sleeping and increased anxiety and agitation. Perhaps try herbal tea instead. Also, avoid alcohol. Alcohol will numb the pain but create many problems later. There are many people who allow themselves to drink initially to numb the grief. It helps, so they continue. Later, they not only still have the grief with which to deal but they also have a problem with alcohol.
5. Loss in concentration. Be aware that your concentration will be affected in those early days and perhaps even for months. If you must make decisions, take a trusted friend or advisor with you. A second pair of ears is always good. Things are thrown at you so quickly that later you may not even realize what you agreed to.
6. Don't drive unless you have no other choice. If you must drive, be very careful. In fact, if at all possible in those early days, have someone else drive you where you need to go. Since your mind will be focused on other things, it is important to keep yourself and others safe.
7. Talk about the person who has died. It is important as well as normal to talk about what has happened. You may find yourself telling the story over and over, but that's okay. Let yourself remember past good times and tell stories about the person who died. Talking is a vital part of the grief process. If you can, talk with others who have been through the process. However, if someone tries to push you into doing or feeling a certain way, it is important to say no. This is a time of great stress for you and not a time to allow anyone to tell you how to react. If you feel there is something you will have trouble answering, ask a family member to stand close to you to help out. I had a friend who felt that if one more person said that her husband wasn't suffering anymore, she felt she would scream. So, at the funeral her brother handled most of the comments made by people, and she was able to concentrate on receiving hugs. For her that worked well.
8. Allow yourself some time alone. At some point before the funeral, take at least an hour to be alone. During this time, say out loud the name of the person and that he or she is dead. Use the word, "dead"; you need to hear yourself say it. There will be emotions connected with this but don't be afraid of them. It is important to hear yourself actually say the words. Later you may change the terminology to transitioned or #8 continued whatever is comfortable for you. But right now you are coming to grips with the concept of death.
9. Sleep may be a problem. Try to go to sleep close to your normal bedtime. You may not feel like sleeping, but keeping your routine is critical. If you stay with your same nightly ritual, whatever that may be, normal sleep will return more easily. Avoid tranquilizing yourself with medication unless allowed by your doctor, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. It is normal to have difficulty sleeping in the beginning, and we will talk more in other articles about how to address this problem over the long run. Right now, just try to stick with a routine.
10. Fatigue will be a problem and, at first, you may not want to be alone. Fatigue is a very common complaint and it may last several weeks. In the initial days, you may want someone to stay with you for that reason as well as others. That person could make sure that you have a hot meal and run interference for you. However, it needs to be someone who will respect your need to talk and your need to be alone and contemplate.
11. Allow others to help. Whether it is your church, friends at work, synagogue, members of a lodge, the military if that is appropriate, a club or any other group outside your family, let them help, They may not know what to say but they will be willing to help with tasks.
12. Honor your emotions. Your emotions will feel like they are on a roller coaster. You will have many feelings. You might even feel anger. It may be anger at the world or anger at God. These are normal emotions. Also, for a long time you will be asking, "Why did this happen?" Eventually, the question will change to "How can I work through these feelings of grief?" However, for now, it is important to get through those early days. Again, there is no right or wrong way.
Life is very fragile. We tend to live it as if nothing bad will ever happen. When it does, we are not prepared for the emotions we will have. Those who have been through a major loss assure us that slowly but surely the good days eventually begin to outnumber the bad. Right now it won't seem that way. So, just file this insight away for the future. You are in the first few days, and nothing will seem like it will ever be right again. This is grief, and the only way to heal is to go through the grief. However, others who have walked the path ahead of you can help ease your journey through this grief.
References Deits, Bob. Life after Loss. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1988. Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster Inc., 1994. Lewis, C.S. A Grief Observed. San Francisco: Harper San Francisco, 1961. Levine, Stephen and Ondrea. Who Dies? New York: Anchor Books, 1982. Marshall, Fiona. Losing a Parent. Tucson, AZ: Fisher Books, 1993.
Cautionary Note: This article is not meant for self diagnosis and should not be seen as a substitute for professional grief support/counseling. This is just one person’s experience into and now through the journey called grief. All grief groups and limited grief counseling are available to the public and provided at no charge as a community service. If you want help with grief and/or you want information about our grief groups or grief counseling, please call: Dearborn Co. Hospital Hospice, Tim Heller, MSW/LCSW 800-676-5428. 9.26.2011
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