tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54298263317835792512024-03-13T20:20:49.585-04:00"Man to Man" Grief Room Blog SpotPURPOSE of this Blog: (Page not intended to provide therapy, but rather resources and connection). I have designed this blog to share my very personal journey of the death of my wife of 24 1/2 years, Sandra Conley Heller, who died October 10, '07 and to provide a place for men to share their thoughts and feelings about the death of their love one. I will also share my years of professional experience in Hospice and to pass along my spiritual musings on death, dying and bereavement.Look around!Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-25779986996477381082019-10-28T01:49:00.000-04:002019-10-28T01:49:48.627-04:00Book Review: “When Your Soul Mate Dies, a Guide to Heroic Mourning”<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Book Review, by Timothy Heller, LISW, MAPT <u>“When Your Soul
Mate Dies, a Guide to Heroic Mourning”</u> by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., Companion
Press, 2016. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When I was
walking through the library this “new” book, “When Your Soul Mate Dies, a Guide
to Heroic Mourning” jumped into my hands. Having worked in Hospice for nearly
30 years, Wolfelt’s work was very familiar. He pioneered the “Companioning” / Grief
Reconciliation approach to grief and loss. If you are not familiar with Wolfelt
contribution to the field of Bereavement, it is worth your time to explore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From my experience his “Companioning” model
works well with Bereavement groups/ counseling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Being a Hospice Social Worker and Bereavement Coordinator as
well as a Survivor of Soulmate Loss (spouse) this book spoke to me
directly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kind of like when someone says,
“that clergyperson was speaking directly to me in her sermon.” My only regret was
the book was not available 11 years ago when I lost my soulmate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This book was written for the individual who has experienced soulmate
loss and for the grief professional seeking to understand and companion those
having to journey through this type of loss. It is filled with useful
information and presented in a workbook format with questions and space for the
griever to answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The author instructs
the reader how to use this book for a 12 session Soulmate Grief Support Group. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In the introduction, Wolfelt attempts to change your possible
skeptical view of the term “Soulmate.” He goes on the define “Soulmate” and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>”Soulmate Grief.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He offers Thomas Moore’s definition as a starting
point, “A Soulmate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected as though
the communicating that takes place between us were not the product of intentional
efforts, but rather a divine grace.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Soulmates can be spouses/partners, mother/daughter, best
friends and secret soulmates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Soulmate Grief´
is defined by some of the grievers who provided input into this book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They give voice to this type of grief as “Fractured,”
“The grief felt “lethal,” and another, “I felt like I was run over by a truck
repeatedly.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As you already know,
Soulmate grief is complicated grief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In the following chapters, Wolfelt adds ‘more meat to the
bone’ with the 6 Needs of Heroic Mourning and the process of Grief Reconciliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This book is well worth the time for a person
experiencing Soulmate Loss and for the professional going with him/her on this
sacred journey. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-65010389935070272962016-07-20T11:54:00.009-04:002021-12-13T13:09:05.859-05:00My father's life and death...In the living Years<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sometimes there is so much to say to our fathers, that never gets said. I heard this song in the late 1980s on the radio on my way to Iowa to see my parents. It was one of the few trips I made there alone. I started catching these song lyrics to "The Living Years"by "Mike and the Mechanics" I pulled the car over to the side of the road, just to sit there and listen and reflect on the words and what the words meant to me and my relationship with my own father.<br />
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On this otherwise long boring trip from Cincinnati to central Iowa, I told myself I need to reach out to my father, who was 66 at the time, to re-open up the lines of communication. My mother had always been the talker, my father was usually quiet and humble. He was an intelligent man and like most men of his time, kept his thoughts to himself.<br />
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In his life time, he had been through a lot- his mother died when he was 12 and thus was raised by his father and older sister. He grew up during the Great Depression and some what knew what it was like to go without. He served 4 years in the U.S. Navy in WWII in the submarine service on the USS Skate. He went to college for 2 years and learned photography. He and our Mother set up a photography studio in NW Iowa, which eventually folded. It was not for lack of business or talent,but for the difficulty in collecting for the money for the wedding packages after they were delivered.<br />
He went on to find other work to support the family and continued to work until he was 78.<br />
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On the weekend when I got to town, I approached my father and we slowly began this conversation the deepened over the years. He died May 8, 2014. I will never regret that I took this step to get to know my father on a deeper level to find out the person he held within.<br />
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Getting back to the lyrics of this song, whether you are a son or daughter, take the time to get to know your parents individually In The Living Years.</div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-50216541849117321002015-12-14T18:23:00.001-05:002020-09-23T10:58:04.346-04:00Dealing with Grief by Jason Fierstein, MA/LPC <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Dealing With Grief</h1>
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<b><span class="meta-prep meta-prep-author" style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Posted on</span> <a href="http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/2015/10/05/dealing-with-grief/" rel="bookmark" style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" title="11:42 am">October 5, 2015</a> <span class="meta-sep" style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">by</span> <span class="author vcard" style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a class="url fn n" href="http://phoenixmenscounseling.com/blog/author/jason/" style="border-image-outset: initial; border-image-repeat: initial; border-image-slice: initial; border-image-source: initial; border-image-width: initial; border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;" title="View all posts by Jason"><span style="color: black;">Jason</span></a> Fierstein, MA/LPC </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-weight: 800;">The Tale of The Mustard Seeds</span></div>
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There is a famous tale from the Buddhist text called the Dhammapada about grief that I want to share with you. The wife of a wealthy Indian man in ancient times lost her only child, and out of her desperation and sorrow, was instructed to go meet the Buddha. Many had already thought that she had lost her mind because of her grief.</div>
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The Buddha told her that before he could bring the chid back to life, she would need to find white mustard seeds from a family where no one had died, and bring them to him. The grieving woman went from house to house, but couldn’t find a household that had not suffered the death of a family member. She finally realized that that there is no house that is free from dying, and she returned to the Buddha, who comforted her and preached the truth about death and dying.</div>
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I like that story, because it reminds me that in death and grieving, we’re not alone. Everyone who lives has to deal with grief, and eventually die, and that commonality helps me feel united with the rest of humankind – that people die, those people that people love die, and that it’s a natural and inevitable process we all experience at one point or another in our lives.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: 800;">Grief is not Same for Everyone</span></div>
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I don’t think that there is one way to grieve. Grief isn’t the same for everyone, so it’s difficult to say how long grief will happen to you. Don’t get caught in comparing your grief to someone else’s, because it will just make it harder on you. Honor the process of grief as a personal and intimate experience for yourself, and understand that it does take time to work through. If you try to rush it, you might end up simply pushing away, which makes the process more painful.</div>
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Time helps, yes, but experiencing grief in it’s full magnitude is the way it organically passes. Grief doesn’t revolve around any one’s schedule. Sometimes it comes, and sometimes it goes, and only with an open experience can you invite it in, and let it fall away on its own.</div>
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What funerals help to do is create a ritual process for the experience of grieving. It allows those loved ones the experience of reliving their relationship and memories about the person who died. Funerals facilitate the grief process, and create some sense of comfort through our shared worldview, often through a religious lens. I also encourage clients to set up little shrines in a personal space, at home, and add items, photos, or tokens of the person who has died. This process helps formalize the grieving process, and allows it to come in, many times when it’s being denied or pushed away, or not talked about.</div>
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Get some support, whether it’s a good friend or a therapist, and also grieve alone when you need to. Grieve in the car, or shower, or with your spouse. Sometimes, pets help in this process, too. Watch for people’s prescriptions for you, because many times, others are terrified and uncomfortable with death themselves, especially when people die. They don’t know any better ways to deal with it than you do, so if you’re suggestible to other’s ways of doing it, be sure to filter them through your own way of dealing with grief, and make sure that they’re right for you.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: 800;">You Won’t Get Stuck if You Really Feel It</span></div>
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If you can feel your emotions in their raw, unadulterated state, your grief will pass much sooner. But, it doesn’t mean it will feel any better while you’re going through it. It will be difficult, and sometimes scary. don’t let your mind get in the middle of it by saying that if you go into your grief, you won’t come out of it, because that’s not true. There is light on the other side of the tunnel with the grief process. You can come out the other side.</div>
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Sometimes, we bypass feeling our emotions when we’re stuck in our heads – holding onto the past or future memories concerning the deceased person. When we live in those spaces, we avoid the experience of grief in the present. Memories are portals to the emotions, and when we can feel the emotions, we move through our grief.</div>
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Tears – and sometimes physical heaving – is involved in the grief process. Sometimes, it may feel like the tears don’t stop. Let them come, and don’t try to impose any restrictions on yourself. You may, after a while, try to tell yourself that “It’s time to stop grieving,” or “You should be getting over this by now.” Watch your self-critic, because he/she can really get in the way of allowing yourself the full grief process. If you’re sad, be sad. If you continue to be sad, do that. If it continues to keep you stuck for so long that you get concerned you’re not moving through it, seek out some professional help to assist you.</div>
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Men have a difficult time with their emotions, so it’s no wonder that many have a hard time with grieving. There is vulnerability in grief, which is often taboo for men in our culture. We’re not supposed to show weakness, let alone tears and pain, so the routine for many men is to compartmentalize their grief and store it in the vault of their experience. Keeping it stuck like that prolongs the grief process, or keeps it frozen for years or decades. If it’s never touched and worked through, it can affect other situations and experiences down the line in your life.</div>
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<span style="font-weight: 800;">Unfinished Business</span></div>
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The issues that you haven’t resolved can get in the way of the grieving process. If someone close to you dies, and you’ve not wrapped up your issues or conflicts with them, that “unfinished business” can complicate your grieving process. Often times, it’s difficult to tease out what is grief, and what is the unfinished business, because the two can swirl and make for one difficult experience.</div>
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From the unfinished business point of view, grief can be a bit more subtle. Grief can also characterize the process of recognition that you have not gotten what you have needed from the deceased person while they were living, be it a spouse, a parent, or a friend. You might be grieving not getting the love, support, visibility, care, parenting, mentorship, or anything else that may have been important to you. Working through those issues means coming to terms with the fact that you won’t have another opportunity to communicate with or get from the person what you needed from them.</div>
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Grieving means letting go, and accepting things as they are – not just intellectually, but more so emotionally. Sadness, anger and pain often accompany that acknowledgement that the person is gone, and that what you were missing from that person will never be fulfilled. The emotional part of dealing with your unfinished business can, however, be worked through, even if the person is no longer here in your life.</div>
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There is liberation on the other side of grieving your unfinished business, although it may be hard to see when you’re in it. When you can truly process the pain of the unfinished business, an emotional “clearing” comes and the tight grip becomes a little more relaxed with the new acknowledgement. Life can then go on, and the pain is not to be forgotten, only transformed into something more manageable.</div>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-weight: 800;">Grieving Relationships</span></span></div>
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People can be grieved if they die, but I believe relationships are like people in that they, too, can come to and end, and can trigger the grief process. Marriages end, friendships end, and businesses end, and all are organisms in their own right – things people put their time, energy, love, hopes, dream and attention into. Do understand that grief is a natural part of the letting go and acceptance process of the finality of things, even if it looks different from physical death, because other parts of our lives can die, too.</div>
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The process of grieving is a very personal experience, and it’s different for everyone. It takes time, focus, and allowance of difficult emotions to wash over you without running from them. It may twist and turn, coming and going from time to time, but the more open and accepting you are of that process, the easier your grief becomes to deal with.</div>
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-68870944070681466952015-12-13T22:14:00.002-05:002015-12-13T22:20:56.225-05:00Funeral/Cremation Prices- Shop Around<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Its been a long time since I posted here on my blog. I am back....<br />
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Would you buy a car, new or used, without doing your research? Of, course not, you want to be an informed consumer. As I have noted here before, but is worth mentioning again.....funeral prices and cremation prices have escalated in many parts of the country. If you are in the need to purchase these services, and I do purposely choose the word "purchase," Shop Around, Shop Around.<br />
<br />
With 47% of people in the US electing cremation, the prices for cremation have taken a big jump, except maybe for a few discount crematories who will provide "Direct Cremation"of the body and return of the ashes without any service / gathering for $645 - $4,000 or so. <span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">By 2018, the U.S. cremation rate is projected to reach 50.6 percent, said Barbara Kemmis, executive director of the Cremation Association of North America (</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/06/01/new-cremation-trends/28329461/). </span></span>The upper end of this price range reflects how much profit the funeral home wants to make (funeral/ripoffs.org) . In my part of the country, near Cincinnati, Oh, many funeral homes charge $2,000 and more for Direct Cremation. The actual cost of cremation to the funeral home is around $185- 2011 price (funeral/ripoffs.org). <br />
<br />
If you want to use their "Chapel" for a body burial service or a cremation the charge increases around $300- $600 and more in some cases. In the case of cremation, often the family receives the ashes in a box, a plastic bag or an urn that you purchase. In either case, you don't need to use their "Chapel." You can arrange your own service or at your Church or Temple or hold a family gathering at your home in a community center or outdoors.<br />
<br />
Working in health care since 1990, I have often heard folks say, "My family has gone to that funeral home for years, s/he would never over charge me." "I went to school with him/her, s/he is like a friend." Maybe or maybe not. It needs to be said that there are many ethical funeral home directors that provide good, honest services for the deceased and their survivors. There are others however, who are not ethical and cheat the families they are entrusted to serve.<br />
<br />
I heard of one Social Worker who directed a family to a lower costs funeral home from a more expensive funeral home. The owner of the more expensive funeral home, who served on the Board of Directors where she worked, got wind of it and she was almost fired over the incident. The funeral director accused her of stealing business.<br />
<br />
There is much more to be said about how to plan a funeral /cremation and receive a fair price for the services. Before you plan a funeral, thoroughly do your homework by studying this expert consumer web site: www.funerals-ripoffs.org/ and contact the Funeral Alliance in your area https://www.funerals.org/. <b>Don't be a victim of unethical funeral marketeers.</b></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-17320504027004070092014-03-17T00:28:00.002-04:002014-03-17T00:32:23.012-04:00Purchasing Your Own Casket or Urn, Becoming an Educated Consumer<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
I do not accept advertising on this blog, because I am not interested in financially benefiting from this work. I am providing this as information only not as a recommendation. <br />
Speaking about death may be one of the last taboos. You may not even feel uncomfortable reading this blog post. Well try not to be uncomfortable. Death is a natural part of life. We are born, we live and we die. <br />
<br />
I am sharing this information to let you know there are other options besides what your funeral director is selling.There are several Catholic religious orders of monks that make caskets and urns for sale to the public generally less than you would pay at funeral homes. <br />
<br />
One of the monasteries is the monks at St. Meinrad Archabbey, in south central Indiana. <a href="http://www.abbeycaskets.com/" target="_blank">http://www.abbeycaskets.com/</a>. I purchased one of their caskets for a family member. One of the funeral home workers asked me where it came from and was interested in the costs. I told him the price and he responded that a casket of that quality would have costs over $5,000 on our showroom floor (mark up)."<br />
<br />
Another Catholic monastic order in this line of business is the Trappist monks at New Melleray in NE Iowa. <a href="http://www.trappistcaskets.com/" target="_blank">http://www.trappistcaskets.com/</a><br />
<br />
Over the years, I have had the opportunity to visits both monasteries. Over the past 10 years I have visited St. Meinrads many times and am currently finishing a Masters in Pastoral Theology there.<br />
When I was in high school I spent 2 weeks at New Melleray exploring if I possibly had a vocation to their way of life. I soon realized that would have been a difficult choice because I am not a morning person. Since then, I have been back several times to visit. <br />
<br />
No, you need not be Catholic to purchase a casket or urn from the monks. Shipping is usually 1-2 days. You have a right guaranteed by the Federal Trade Commission: <a href="https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0300-ftc-funeral-rule" target="_blank">https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0300-ftc-funeral-rule </a><br />
to supply a casket purchased elsewhere besides the funeral home. Another good resource to review before purchasing funeral products is <a href="http://www.funerals-ripoffs.org/%E2%80%8E" target="_blank">https://www.funerals-ripoffs.org/</a>.<br />
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-83348805474151188522014-03-16T23:15:00.003-04:002020-09-23T11:07:22.082-04:00GUY COUNSELING STUFF<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<h1>
COUNSELING FOR MEN - SOLUTIONS WHEN YOU'RE 'STUCK'
</h1>
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As a guy, I know how hard that can be because I've had to do it
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men - so I want you to know <strong>you're not alone and there are solutions out there</strong>. Solutions like Guy Stuff Counseling.</div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
As a counselor for men I've helped hundreds of guys sort through
every issue you can imagine, and with great success. Counseling for men <strong>can be the ideal place to solve challenges</strong>, but going to a counselor and revealing our problems to a stranger can be intimidating and uncomfortable. </div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
That’s how Guy Stuff Counseling and this website came about. <strong>Our goal is to provide a helpful and beneficial resource for men (and the women who love them)</strong>
to access professional expertise and advice in a convenient,
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we share solutions that work. Take a look around and explore some of
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-73658368280957523132014-03-16T23:09:00.002-04:002014-03-16T23:12:00.785-04:00Shop around for funeral prices.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/2014/03/11/funeral-arrangements-get-price-lists-before-making-decisions/" target="_blank">http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/2014/03/11/funeral-arrangements-get-price-lists-before-making-decisions/</a><br />
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The Boomer Consumer is dedicated to helping boomers get what they
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<h1 class="blogtitle">
Funeral arrangements: Get price lists before making decisions</h1>
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<span class="post-date">Posted on March 11, 2014</span>
<span class="post-on"> | </span>
<span class="post-author">By <a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/author/rita_r_robison/" rel="author" title="Posts by Rita R. Robison">Rita R. Robison</a></span>
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Many consumers will find that, like me, they’ll end up in a funeral home making funeral arrangements.<br />
One of my first big <a href="http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1314&dat=19810609&id=4_dLAAAAIBAJ&sjid=xe4DAAAAIBAJ&pg=6560,3689055">consumer articles</a> in my early day as a consumer journalist was writing about funeral costs.<br />
<a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/wp-content/blogs.dir/1182/files/2014/03/Cemetery-Wenatchee-3-IMG_8026.jpg"><img alt="Cemetery Wenatchee 3 IMG_8026" class="alignright wp-image-4068" src="http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/wp-content/blogs.dir/1182/files/2014/03/Cemetery-Wenatchee-3-IMG_8026-300x199.jpg" height="220" width="330" /></a>The
Federal Trade Commission was considering adopting a Funeral Rule, so I
went to the funeral homes in Spokane, Wash., where I lived at the time,
to see what practices consumers were experiencing. All the funeral
directors interviewed said they were offering information on prices to
consumers and weren’t pressuring them about adding services. I didn’t
have a story.<br />
So I did an informal telephone survey. I selected consumers who had
arranged funerals more than a year previously because I thought they
might be less stricken by grief and more likely to be willing to be
interviewed.<br />
The last person I talked to was a man whose son had died. An attorney
who was still grief stricken, he wanted to answer the questions so
other consumers could be informed about how to make decisions during the
emotionally charged task of arranging a funeral.<br />
Eight of the 31 people I interviewed said they didn’t receive a price
list of goods and services, and two said they didn’t understand the
prices and didn’t realize how much the funeral would cost until they
received the bill.<br />
Twenty consumers in the survey said they experienced one or more of
the questionable practices the FTC was looking at regulating including
encouraging consumers to buy more costly goods and services.<br />
It’s discouraging the FTC found that about 25 percent of the funeral
homes undercover investigators visited during 2013 failed to disclose
pricing information to consumers as required by the FTC’s Funeral Rule.
The rule was adopted in 1984.<br />
Key provisions of the rule require funeral homes to give consumers an
itemized general price list at the start of the discussion of funeral
arrangements, as well price lists before consumers view caskets and
outer burial containers.<br />
The rule also prohibits funeral homes from requiring consumers to buy
any item, such as a casket, as a condition of obtaining any other
funeral goods or services. By requiring itemized prices, the <a href="http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/products/pro19.shtm">Funeral Rule allows consumers to compare prices and buy only the goods and services they want</a>.<br />
See my article, <a href="http://boomersurvive-thriveguide.typepad.com/the_survive_and_thrive_bo/2014/03/ftc-finds-a-quarter-of-funeral-homes-inspected-last-year-failed-to-give-required-price-information.html">“FTC Finds a Quarter of Funeral Homes Inspected Last Year Failed to Give Required Price Information,”</a> for details.<br />
For consumers in Washington state, you can find out what <a href="http://www.dol.wa.gov/business/disciplinary/disciplinaryfuneral.html">funeral directors</a> and <a href="http://blog.seattlepi.com/boomerconsumer/2014/03/11/funeral-arrangements-get-price-lists-before-making-decisions/www.dol.wa.gov/business/disciplinary/disciplinarycemetery.html">cemeteries</a> have been disciplined in the last year by going to the website of the Washington State Department of Licensing.<br />
The department doesn’t have room on its website to include
disciplinary actions for other years, but consumers can call
360-664-1555 in Olympia for that information, said Christina Anthony,
spokesperson for the department.<br />
When asked if progress has been made in protecting consumers against
deceptive practices since the Funeral Rule was passed, Anthony said she
didn’t know and didn’t want to “opine on the industry.”<br />
She said the department would love to hear from consumers if they
have complaints about funeral homes or cemeteries, and it offers an <a href="http://www.dol.wa.gov/forms/600006F.pdf">online complaint form</a>.<br />
For more information for boomer consumers, see my blog <a href="http://boomersurvive-thriveguide.typepad.com/">The Survive and Thrive Boomer Guide</a>.<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-20293264679907664122014-03-07T20:53:00.002-05:002020-09-23T11:09:06.717-04:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<h1>
When Does Grief Become Depression?</h1>
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Is there a point at which grief morphs into clinical depression? </div>
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<span class="submitted">Published on March 21, 2012 by <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/joseph-nowinski-phd" title="View Bio">Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D.</a> in <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-grief">The New Grief</a></span>
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<a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/narcissism" title="Psychology Today looks at Narcissism"> </a><span face="Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="color: #583b28;">Last week, NPR’s “Talk of the Nation” aired a show that explored the line between <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/grief" title="Psychology Today looks at Grief">grief</a> and <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression/symptoms" title="Psychology Today looks at Symptoms of Depression">depression</a>. Although they are quite different, they look surprisingly alike. Panelist Dr. Michael Miller, editor of the <em>Harvard Mental Health Letter</em> and assistant professor of <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychiatry" title="Psychology Today looks at Psychiatry">psychiatry</a> at Harvard Medical School, said that with both grief and depression “People cry. They feel depressed. They’re having trouble <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/sleep" title="Psychology Today looks at Sleep">sleeping</a>. They may not have an <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/appetite" title="Psychology Today looks at Appetite">appetite</a>. They may not feel like doing anything. They may not take pleasure in anything.”</span><br />
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For years, the American Psychiatric Association has urged
doctors not to diagnose major depression in individuals who have
recently lost a loved one. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders, sometimes known as the psychiatrist’s bible for
diagnosing mental illness, grief is specifically listed as an exception
to the diagnosis of clinical depression. The organization is now
considering dropping that exclusion, raising the question: Is grieving
ever “pathological?”<br />
<h3>
Prolonged grief</h3>
Just as dying is an inevitable part of the cycle of life, <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/bereavement" title="Psychology Today looks at Bereavement">bereavement</a>
is a necessary aspect of living. There is no timeline for grief. In
addition, cultural and circumstantial factors contribute to how people
express and cope with it.<br />
Today, advances in medicine allow many
people with terminal illnesses to live years after diagnosis, as opposed
to the days, weeks, or months of previous decades. As described in in
our book, <a class="ext" href="http://www.health.harvard.edu/books/saying-goodbye" target="_blank"><em>Saying Good-bye: A Guide to Coping With a Loved One’s Terminal Illness</em>,</a><span class="ext"></span> we
refer to the grieving process in these situations as “the new grief”
because there is time for patients and their families to get their
affairs in order, resolve family issues, and choose how to live during
whatever time may remain. This type of grief differs from the sudden
shock and chaos that often accompanies a sudden death, which often
leaves “loose ends” loved ones must deal with, as well as any unfinished
business they had with the deceased.<br />
During a prolonged battle
with terminal illness, as well as after the death of a loved one, a
community of family, friends and co-workers often unites to provide
ongoing support to those who are grieving. Supporters (professional,
friends, <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/spirituality" title="Psychology Today looks at Spirituality">spiritual</a>
advisers, family) can help those who are grieving resume functioning
and gradually move on with their lives while maintaining the <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/memory" title="Psychology Today looks at Memory">memory</a> of the lost one.<br />
That
is one key difference with depression. People suffering from major
depression tend to be isolated and feel disconnected from others, and
may shun such support and assistance. People who don’t get such support,
or who avoid it, may be at greater risk for slipping into clinical
depression during the grieving process.<br />
Dr. Miller points out that
for some people who have previously struggled with acknowledged or
unacknowledged depression, the death of a significant other can be the
catalyst that brings depression to the foreground. In such cases,
professional treatment such as <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychotherapy" title="Psychology Today looks at Psychotherapy">therapy</a> and/or <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/psychopharmacology" title="Psychology Today looks at Psychopharmacology">medication</a> can be helpful. In the interviews we conducted while writing and researching <em>Saying Goodbye,</em> we learned that some people found <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/ssris" title="Psychology Today looks at SSRIs">antidepressant</a>
medication to be helpful for restoring sleep and appetite and “taking
the edge off.” Other people who tried medication stopped taking it
because they felt as though their feelings were “flattened,” and that
the medication interfered with their ability to grieve.<br />
<h3>
Recognizing depression in grief</h3>
Bereavement
is not linear. It takes multiple forms at different times in one’s
life. It is influenced, among other things, by the strength of our <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/attachment" title="Psychology Today looks at Attachment">attachment</a>
to the lost loved one and how central he or she was to our lives.
Bereavement never really ends. It ebbs after a while, but can then
emerge on birthdays and anniversaries, in certain places, or triggered
by something like a special song.<br />
If you are in the process of
coping with the sudden death of a loved or the lengthy grieving process
associated with terminal illness, here are a few suggestions:<br />
<ul>
<li>Expect
to feel depressed. Loss of appetite, trouble sleeping, and sadness are
all part of the normal grief process, and are best not interfered with.</li>
<li>Expect grief to wax and wane over time. You may feel “fine” one day, only to slip back into deep grief the next day.</li>
<li>Build
and use a support network. Grieving individuals need others to talk to
and to care for them not just for a few days, but over an extended
period of time. This is especially true for those people who are primary
caretakers for a terminally ill loved one.</li>
<li>If you experience thoughts of <a class="pt-basics-link" href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/suicide" title="Psychology Today looks at Suicide">suicide</a>,
serious weight loss, or are unable to perform daily functions such as
getting out of bed or going to work for more than an occasional day,
consider seeking additional professional help.</li>
</ul>
<span face="Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="color: #583b28; line-height: 16px;"><em>To learn more visit </em><a class="ext" href="http://www.newgrief.com/" target="_blank">www.newgrief.com</a><span class="ext"></span>.</span><span face="Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="color: #583b28;"> <em>Copyright Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D. 2012</em></span></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-23453895678834203762014-02-17T17:52:00.000-05:002014-02-17T17:52:41.950-05:00Bode Miller, Olympian Openly Grieves Death of his Brother from a Seizure.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bode-miller-breaks-down-over-brothers-death-in-olympics-interview-defends-reporter-against-backlash-2014172#comment-1248752693" target="_blank">http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bode-miller-breaks-down-over-brothers-death-in-olympics-interview-defends-reporter-against-backlash-2014172#comment-1248752693</a><br />
<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xowDiRRwAbk/UwKRqj35a2I/AAAAAAAAMdM/ad6Lw1EgzEc/s1600/1392645347_bode-miller-article.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xowDiRRwAbk/UwKRqj35a2I/AAAAAAAAMdM/ad6Lw1EgzEc/s1600/1392645347_bode-miller-article.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
I think we are still living in the Dark Ages when it comes to real men,
i.e., Bode Miller, expressing their emotions in public, as was the case
of Bode Miller, when he was being interviewed after his medal win. This
story here uses the terms "Breaks down over Brother's death." While I
did not see the whole interview, I suspect the same reporter may have
asked him, "How are you holding up?" It just tells me, this reporter
and maybe the larger society, can't handle it when a man shows anything
but anger in public. There is nothing wrong with a man expressing
emotion, feelings of grief and loss, after the death of a loved one. I
don't think the interviewer went too far in asking the question. I
object to the terminology used in the article. Men need to be able to
grieve the death of their loved ones to eventually arrive at a healthy
resolution and a place of peace. -Tim Heller, LCSW <a href="http://www.mensgrief.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.mensgrief.blogspot....</a><br />
<br /></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-25917413526613477492014-01-18T11:08:00.002-05:002020-09-23T11:13:11.801-04:00So you think you are ready to start dating / to get remarried, REALLY?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-size: large;">
So you think you are ready to start dating again....Think again.<br />
Ask yourself a few simple questions.... </span><br />
<br />
There
are a lot of questions and concerns you need to consider before you
just go head long in dating/marriage. I ask you to consider going
through
some pre-martial preparation from a licensed professional or a skilled
clergy
person before you get married. It is likely the first serious dating
relationship may
be a "transitional figure" who you are not ready to bound with if you
have not completed your grief work. Another consider is it is likely that one or both of you have minor children or adult children. Go SLOW. <br />
<br />
One stat from the
past stated that 50% of men who married in less
than a year ended in divorce. On the side, men live longer if they
remarry. I am not saying there is anything wrong with remarrying, but
first you need to work through your grief and mourning process. A year
and a half after the death of a spouse, 15% of widows and 37% of
widowers ages 65 and older were interested in dating (Carr). These
numbers are likely higher with younger
widowed males. Social research about this subject varies only
minimally. The decision is only yours to make.<br />
<br />
Dating
to soon may end
up with you experiencing even more loss and grief, when it doesn't work
out. You also risk putting the transitional woman through unnecessary
emotional pain
and suffering. It is unethical to "use" other people to meet you
sexual, emotional or material needs. Your loss from death of your wife
does not give you license to use other people. Yes loss in painful, I
know from my personal experience with the death of my wife October 2007. <br />
<br />
Some questions and concerns to consider before dating/marriage:<br />
<br />
"Look man, it's been 6 months since my wife died, I done my grief thing, I'm ready to move on and get remarried." <br />
<br />
Why do I want to start dating?<br />
<br />
How long has it been since my wife died?<br />
<br />
"All I need is a nice, sweet woman just like my ______________ and everything will be fine." Really? <br />
<br />
I was married _____ years and we had a very close relationship. <br />
"I miss having someone to share my life with." <br />
<br />
"I want to have a sexual partner."<br />
<br />
"I am lonely." <br />
<br />
"I can not stand to be alone in this world."<br />
<br />
"I need someone to help raise my young children." Give it more time, hire a babysitter.<br />
<br />
"I think it will help my grief/depression." It will not help if you really haven't dealt with the death of your wife. <br />
<br />
"I
am ready for marriage. My wife and I had a caregiver/ patient
relationship the last ________ years before she passed. I did my done
grieving its been a year.." Really?<br />
<br />
"I am young. People tell me I should be out looking for some one new." <br />
<br />
"Marriage
will solve all my grief issues." It won't resolve your grief issues if
you haven't truly resolved the death of your wife.<br />
<br />
Are you read to sell your home and move to a different residence. Most women are not going to be comfortable in the same home you are your wife shared for years. <br />
<br />
"I need a woman to cook and clean for me! My place is a mess!" Hire a housekeeper. Take a cooking class. Learn how to use the vacuum cleaner. There is a first time for everything!<br />
<br />
<br />
<sup> </sup><span class="reference-text">(Carr, D. (2004). The desire to date and
remarry among older widows and widowers. Journal of Marriage and Family,
66(4), 1051–1068). </span></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-32641567852038153122013-12-21T11:40:00.002-05:002020-09-23T11:11:24.294-04:0015 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<br />
<br />
<header class="entry-header">
<h1 class="entry-title">
15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief</h1>
<div class="entry-meta"><span style="font-size: medium;">
Posted on <a href="http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/21/15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-grief/" rel="bookmark" title="9:22 pm"><time class="entry-date" datetime="2013-11-21T21:22:26+00:00" pubdate="">November 21, 2013</time></a><span class="byline"> by <span class="author vcard"><a class="url fn n" href="http://identityrenewed.com/author/identityrenewed/" rel="author" title="View all posts by Teryn O'Brien">Teryn O'Brien</a></span></span> <span class="comments-link"><a href="http://identityrenewed.com/2013/11/21/15-things-i-wish-id-known-about-grief/#comments" title="Comment on 15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief"></a></span>
</span></div>
</header><span style="font-size: medium;">
After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some
mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known
about grief when I started my own process.<br />
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://identityrenewed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/grief1.jpg"><img alt="grief" class="aligncenter size-large wp-image-2162" height="813" src="http://identityrenewed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/grief1.jpg?w=915&h=1220" width="610" /></a><br />
<h2>
<strong>1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life <em>will</em> go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.</strong></h2>
<h2>
2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is <em>only</em> a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not
okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not
okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are
feeling.</strong></h2>
<h2>
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t
feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that <em>you</em> are still living.</strong></h2>
<h2>
6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even
people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there
won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared
to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness
at others’ reactions.</strong></h2>
<h2>
8. God <em>will</em> be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever
let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your
emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write
about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in
all the good times you had with that person. It will help. </strong></h2>
<h2>
10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought
possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How?
How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love
better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this ?"</strong></h2>
<h2>12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you<em> don’t</em> think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc.,
will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb
the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re
dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.</strong></h2>
<h2>
14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.</h2>
<h2>
<strong>15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be
afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can
teach you.</strong></h2>
<br />
http://identityrenewed.com<br />
<h2>
<em><strong></strong><br /></em></h2>
<h2>
</h2>
</div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-47488826204404692342013-12-19T10:13:00.002-05:002020-09-23T11:16:17.123-04:00Mesothelioma Cancer, A Preventable Cancer Please Read<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h2 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Mesothelioma Cancer</span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Emily Walsh, Community Outreach Director for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Mesothelioma Awareness Day asked me to pass this along on my blog, </span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><br /></span></span></h2>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c2j8DKn7-fA/UrMM_MVzzcI/AAAAAAAAMIU/f1dXFimCf0Q/s1600/Did+You+Know+Facts+(1).JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-c2j8DKn7-fA/UrMM_MVzzcI/AAAAAAAAMIU/f1dXFimCf0Q/s320/Did+You+Know+Facts+(1).JPG" width="302" /></a></div>
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"Did You Know" Source: Learn More: <a href="http://www.mesothelioma.com">www.mesothelioma.com</a>?</span></div>
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-44772466157372710902013-08-22T22:35:00.002-04:002020-09-23T11:22:00.327-04:00Anticipatory Grief... a time of opportunity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><h1 style="text-align: left;">
Depending when you are coming upon this blog, I thought I should introduce an article on Anticipatory Grief ....</h1>
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
Looking back on my own experience of caring for my late wife and working with hospice families I see anticipatory grief as hard work. If you are not too exhausted from the drain of emotions and the hands on care giving, the time after the terminal diagnosis and before the passing of your loved one can be a time of reflection and even an opportunity to gain new insights into your dying loved one and yourself. I feel like it is a last chance to tell your dying loved the things that you may not have ever got around to saying to him or her. I told myself and tell my hospice families not to be left with regrets. As you are caring for your lived one look for "windows of opportunity" to speak with your loved one while they are still alert. Remember even when they are non-responsive they can still hear you, because as you may have heard, "the hearing is the last thing to go." <br />
<br />
In my early days as a hospice social worker, I was sitting with a younger patient and her husband in a suburb north of Cincinnati. She had been completely non-responsive for 3 days. The husband wanted to talk about details of the funeral. I recommended we go into a different room because his wife could see hear us, his intention was not to discuss funeral plans with wife. He stated he didn't believe she could hear us and proceeded on with his questions, comments. About 3 minutes into this conversion his wife was startled awake, partly sat up and told him, "I told you, I did not want roses at by funeral." She then settled back down and became unresponsive,dying 2 days later. Expect the unexpected. Don't miss the opportunities that may await you. - Tim Heller<br />
<br /></span>
<br />
<div id="abt">
<h1>
<span class="fn">Coping with an Impending Death</span></h1>
<h2>
Suggestions to help you deal with the anticipated loss of someone you love</h2>
<div id="by">
By <a href="http://dying.about.com/bio/Chris-Raymond-110469.htm" rel="author">Chris Raymond</a>, About.com Guide</div>
<div id="date">
Updated December 22, 2012</div>
<div id="hr">
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the <a href="http://www.about.com/health/review.htm">Medical Review Board</a>
</div>
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<div class="imgw" id="mimg">
<q><img alt="Wife & Terminally Ill Husband" class="photo" src="http://0.tqn.com/d/dying/1/G/9/1/-/-/ANTICIPATE_GRIEF.jpg" /></q>
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<div class="cap">
Coping with the impending death of a loved one can cause many emotional challenges.</div>
<cite>Photo © iStockphoto</cite></div>
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<div class="gB" id="gB1">
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While the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one can unleash a
torrent of anguish and grief, a family member or friend who departs from
the living over days, weeks, months or even longer can prove just as
traumatic for survivors because of <b><a href="http://dying.about.com/od/glossary/g/anticipat_grief.htm">anticipatory grief</a> -- the sadness felt in advance of the death.</b><br />
Here are a few of the emotional challenges you might encounter as you
attempt to cope with the impending death of your loved one, and
suggestions to help you deal with them.<br />
<b>Feeling Exhausted</b><br />
<br />
Regardless of whether you are serving as a caregiver or not, <b>knowing that your loved one's time is limited will take a toll on your physical and emotional strength</b>.
People can only live effectively in a "state of emergency" for a short
period. While that length of time will vary depending upon the person
and the situation, once that limit is reached, the mind and senses will
begin to shut down as a self-preservation measure. This can manifest
itself in many ways, including:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>an overwhelming need to sleep
</li>
<li>lack of concentration
</li>
<li>an emotional "numbness" or detachment.</li>
</ul>
It is important to understand that these feelings are perfectly
normal and do not mean you are cold or unfeeling. Eventually, your body
and mind will recover, and you will feel normal again -- until something
else triggers a state of heightened emotional response. You should
expect to experience such waves of feeling and to view the times when
you shut down as necessary and healthy.<br />
That said, make sure you also get enough sleep, eat properly, spend
time with other family members or friends, and can recognize the signs
of <a href="http://alzheimers.about.com/od/copingstressandburnout/a/7-Signs-Of-Caregiver-Overload.htm">caregiver burnout</a>.<br />
<b>Feeling Tongue-tied</b><br />
<br />
Death is a difficult subject for most people to talk about, and
particularly so when we must bear witness to the protracted death of a
loved one. Because we feel uncomfortable, we often begin making
assumptions in our head about what our loved one does or doesn't wish to
talk about concerning their impending death, such as, "If I express how
much I will miss him, it will make him feel worse," or "I won't say
goodbye until the very end so she and I can find some happiness in the
time remaining." The net effect of such internal conversations is often
that <i>nothing</i> is said, which can actually make a dying person feel isolated, ignored or alone.<br />
As difficult as it might feel right now, <b>open and direct communication is the best way to <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/interacting.htm">interact with a dying loved one</a></b>.
Let him or her know that you would like to talk about how you are
feeling, as well as what you can provide during the time remaining in
terms of support and comfort. Once the honest conversation begins, you
might discover that your fear about having this conversation was
overblown.<br />
<b>Feeling Guilty</b><br />
<br />
When someone we love is diagnosed with a <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/tp/10_Terminal_Illness_Tasks.htm">terminal illness</a>,
it is very easy to focus all of our attention and energy on the patient
almost to the exclusion of our own needs. The strain caused by caring
for a dying loved one -- particularly for those providing a significant
amount of the care -- can often lead to caregiver stress as the
physical, emotional and even financial impacts take their toll. While it
might seem unthinkable, <b>caregiver stress can lead to feelings of resentment, anger or frustration toward the dying patient -- and <i>those</i> feelings often trigger a profound sense of guilt</b>. If left untreated, such emotions can seriously <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/complicatedgrief/Complicated_Grief_Mourning_or_Bereavement.htm">complicate the grief</a> one feels after the patient dies, putting you at risk of depression, thoughts of suicide or post-traumatic stress disorder.<br />
If you exhibit <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/caregiving/a/stress.htm">signs of caregiver stress</a>,
you should immediately talk to your family or friends and say, "I need
help." Ideally, someone can assume some of the responsibility that you
have shouldered, even temporarily, in order to give you a break and
alleviate some of your stress.<br />
If that is not an option, then consider a more-formal type of <a href="http://dying.about.com/od/caregiving/a/respite_care.htm">respite care</a>,
such as an adult day-care facility or hiring an in-home caregiver, in
order to give yourself the break you need. While it might seem difficult
to force yourself to let go temporarily, you will return more refreshed
and energetic and provide much better care to your dying loved one.<br />
<b>Sources:</b><br />
<br />
"How to Say Good-bye When Someone You Love is Dying." <i>www.caring.com</i>. Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com. Retrieved July 17, 2012. <i>http://www.caring.com/articles/how-to-say-goodbye</i><br />
"Resources Near Time of Death." <i>https://hopkinschildrens.org</i>. Johns Hopkins Children's Center. Retrieved July 26, 2012. <i>https://hopkinschildrens.org/Anticipated-Death.aspx</i><br />
"The Long Road." <i>www.jenniferallenbooks.com</i>. Jennifer Allen. Retrieved July 26, 2012. <i>http://www.jenniferallenbooks.com/grief/pdf/longroad.pdf</i></div>
<br />Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-67463621850355359232013-02-22T22:23:00.001-05:002013-02-22T22:25:20.774-05:00Death & Spirituality - Part 5.mpg <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://3.gvt0.com/vi/K03yfgy_rVM/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/K03yfgy_rVM&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/K03yfgy_rVM&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
Brother David Steindl-Rast answers Dr. Ken Kramer's questions, "What do
you to say to someone who is grieving?" and "How do YOU want to die?"
From a 1990 interview at San Jose State University.<br />
<br />
Brother David is a Roman Catholic Benedictine monk and known for his web site Gratefulness.org In this interview he reflects on grief and the importance of living and being aware of your purpose. <br />
<br />
Tell me what you about this video.</div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-52291656824480097562013-01-28T20:57:00.000-05:002013-03-24T21:00:40.877-04:00Men want to take action in the face of grief.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Men want to take action in the face of grief. <br />
<br />
In my grief work through hospice, over the years I have met many people, both men and women,who were looking for support to work through their grief. Generally I have found men want to take action and women want to talk to others to get through their grief after the death of a loved one. I found activity or action help after the death of my wife. Part of my action was designing this blog on men's grief. Works by Tom Golden, LCSW, do an excellent job of helping people understand this difference between men's and women's grief, "Swallowed by a Snake" is one such book he wrote, others have followed.<br />
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About 4-5 years ago, one couple in their 60's from our SE Indiana community experienced the death of their 39 year old son, "Wolfgrang" from cancer. His mother pretty much tried to handle her grief through traditional ways usually associated with women's way of experiencing her loss. After a year or so she reported she felt about the same as she did the day of his funeral. The father of Wolfgang, needed to do something that involved an activity, taking some action. After some time, he decided on what activity to undertake: to build a chapel for prayer open to the public. Over time he found a great degree of solace and comfort in his grief from building this chapel in their son's memory. Below are pics of the chapel.<br />
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-67908125058233125312013-01-19T11:50:00.001-05:002020-09-23T11:38:41.610-04:00DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GRIEF CHAMELEON?<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6B6U_Klc79I/X2tr5zvfjgI/AAAAAAAAZdE/P4Fv0I7KadIY9ZConD3xZh60v1qJudV8wCLcBGAsYHQ/s551/chameleon_192684.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" width="320" data-original-height="368" data-original-width="551" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6B6U_Klc79I/X2tr5zvfjgI/AAAAAAAAZdE/P4Fv0I7KadIY9ZConD3xZh60v1qJudV8wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/chameleon_192684.jpg"/></a></div><div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">New to Grief....<span style="color: lime;">you may feel like a<span style="color: blue;"> </span></span></span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span class="st"></span>chameleon<span class="st"><span style="color: #f1c232;"> trying</span> to <span style="color: #741b47;">conform</span> and <span style="color: #741b47;">do</span> grief <span style="color: #cc0000;">"right." </span> </span></span><span class="st"></span><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: lime;"><span style="background-color: blue;"></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Don't let people tell you how you "should" grieve. You will grieve your own way, in your own time. Forget the euphemisms people through at you to try to "comfort" you. "Time heals all wounds," "She lived a long time," "Now he's an angel in heaven." "You are young you can find somebody else,"“Let go and move on," They will say to little boys,"Big boys don't cry"....</i></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i>Your well-meaning <cite>family, friends, co-workers may be well meaning with their</cite></i><span style="font-weight: normal;"><cite><b> euphemisms, but they do more bad than good to help you with your grief process.</b></cite></span></span></h2>
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<span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue",Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><cite><b> </b> </cite></span></span></h2>
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-15683575332005849962012-12-16T00:57:00.003-05:002013-11-24T15:44:10.136-05:00No Such Thing As ":Stages of Grief"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Nc5RULhY8iU/UpJk-osqqeI/AAAAAAAAL2Q/JRyLLZq8MME/s1600/1000seatprosceniumstage3_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Nc5RULhY8iU/UpJk-osqqeI/AAAAAAAAL2Q/JRyLLZq8MME/s400/1000seatprosceniumstage3_500.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">In Darlene Cross's new book: "A New Normal: learning to live with grief " she points out one of the most important things new grief newbies need to know: "The most widely model you may have had likely heard bout is commonly referred to as the <span style="font-size: large;">'</span>stages of grief.<span style="font-size: large;">'</span>...Keep reading because the shocking truth is there is no such thing."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Many people learned in school or church about he stages of grief. It is usually described as a neat set of steps that carry you from one stage to another in a neat, smooth package</span>-<span style="font-size: large;"> forget it- is right.</span>-<br />
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<a href="http://www.amazon.com/New-Normal-Learning-Grief-ebook/dp/B0036FUS6M/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/New-Normal-Learning-Grief-ebook/dp/B0036FUS6M/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1</a></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-84129647651718505072012-11-09T10:09:00.003-05:002012-11-09T11:01:52.947-05:00"Say Their Names" This Thanksgiving<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 12px;"><b>"Say Their Names" This Thanksgiving</b> </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-style: inherit; line-height: 12px;">link written by Tom Zuba tomzuba.com</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thanksgiving is two weeks from yesterday. The truth is that many will arrive at holiday celebrations hoping, praying, expecting, and certainly wondering if anyone will mention the name of the person they love that died. The reality is that sadly, very few, if anyone, will "say their name" creating silent pain on top of indescribable pain. It does not have to be that way. Be proactive. Create a plan. In this blog I present concrete, doable steps you can take now to ensure that your loved one is part of your Thanksgiving gathering this year. There is a NEW WAY to "do grief."</span></div>
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Our precious Oliver died last year on Black Friday so actually we are dreading Thanksgiving more than any other holiday. He was 15 months old and the love of our lives. I am really not sure how we can get through this. My...</div>
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Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-13869980704721461302012-10-30T22:02:00.002-04:002012-11-01T16:38:25.706-04:00<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span class="userContent">A Grief Note:</span></span><br />
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<span class="userContent">I have slipped away in the next room. </span><br />
<span class="userContent">Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.<br /> Call me by my old familiar name;<br /> Speak to me in the same easy way which you always used.<br /> Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.<br /> Sing, smile, think of me, pray for me.<br /> Let my name be the household word that it always was.<br /> Let it be spoken often without effort.<br /> Life mea</span>ns all that it ever meant.<span class="userContent"></span><br />
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There is absolutely unbroken continuity.<br />
why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?<br />
I am but waiting for you for an interval, very near, all is well.<br />
One brief moment and all will be as it was before-<br />
Only better, Infinitely happier and forever-<br />
We will be all together with Christ. <br />
- From a Carmelite Monastery</div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-23232284067413657572012-10-24T11:38:00.002-04:002012-11-09T09:57:41.773-05:00Mourning is Grief gone Public<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">Mourning is "Grief gone public"...</span> taking our internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of ourselves. <i><b>Grief alone</b> without its outward expression of mourning is crippling to the griever. </i>Traditional concepts of "be strong" and "how are you holding up?" further increase the possibility of complicated grief later on. The time of mourning is best experienced in the context of a community of support. <i><b> Grief alone</b></i> can easily take the griever down the road of falling into avoidance behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorders, self injurious behavior, risk taking behaviors, isolating, fighting and other unhealthy behaviors that attempt to relieve the often overwhelming feelings that come with grief. I found this "going public" with my grief to be quite freeing when I first starting talking to others and eventually incorporating it into my professional practice when appropriate. <br />
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copyright 2012 Waltz Photography<br />
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Mourning is how we heal through the grief. Don't postpone, deny, cover up or run from your pain. Allow it and be with it now. Everything else can wait. Imagine that you have a physical wound. You would give that your immediate attention. The same needs to be done for our emotional wounds. Set time to mourn.<br />
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The sooner you allow yourself to be with your pain, the sooner it will pass. The only way out is through it. Whenever people interfere with mourning, they interfere with the body's natural recovery. Grief will return again, if not dealt with now, months or even years later, when you least expect it. It may be painful but you can survive the pain. (adapted from How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield and McWilliams.(1991)<br />
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Earlier losses may surface. Often our old unresolved or unacknowledged losses from the past: previous relationships, rejections, disappointments, hurts and childhood. Current losses often reactivate old losses. You may find that you are "unreasonably reacting" to a current loss and sometimes it is due to it bringing up the old. Give yourself permission to heal. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind, forgiving and patient. Treat yourself with the same care that you would treat a good friend who is in a similar situation.<br />
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Children, teens and adults mourn through religious and cultural rituals.<br />
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Many mourn through the use of:<br />
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art, clay, journal writing, on-line grief support, <br />
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writing letters, writing poetry, writing music, <br />
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playing instruments, exercise, making memory books, <br />
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memory boxes, making scrap books, talk to them, <br />
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dreaming of the person, attending a grief group, create a race in their name or scholarship at a school, <br />
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carry around a token of the loved ones (jewelry or baseball cap, or photo), drama, photography, cook their loved ones favorite foods, join support groups, <br />
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become active in a cause.....etc....<br />
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Adapted from an article: "Mourning is Grief Gone Public" GriefSpeaks.com</div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-62840107114568777492012-10-19T23:08:00.000-04:002018-12-08T23:49:54.034-05:00 “Is Your Lack of Forgiveness Blocking your Grief Process? “<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">“Is Your Lack of Forgiveness Blocking your
Grief Process? “</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">by</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">Tim Heller,
MSW/LCSW, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">Spousal Loss Survivor<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hospice Bereavement Coordinator</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">Is there a
situation or a difficult history between you and your deceased loved one or a related party that
is in need for forgiveness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Could your
unwillingness to forgive your loved one be blocking your grief process?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many professionals in the grief field would
answer the question with a resounding, “Yes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You know if this may be an issue for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your deceased loved one may have had a history of
physical, sexual or emotional abuse towards you or marital infidelity or chemical
dependency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may have been your loved
one’s inability to properly manage finances, interference from in-laws or
taking being able to say good-bye. or some other issue, or it may be about the way your loved passed from this world to the next.</span></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal;">In the life of Leonardo da Vinci who painted
the fresco "The Last Supper" in a church in Milan. Two very
interesting stories are associated with this painting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These stories deal with da Vinci while he was
living and working, but may still helpful to you in your grief process.<br />
<br />
At the time that Leonardo da Vinci painted "The Last Supper," he had
an enemy who was a fellow painter. da Vinci had had a bitter argument with this
man and despised him. When da Vinci painted the face of Judas Iscariot at the
table with Jesus, he used the face of his enemy.</span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;"> </span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal;">As he worked on the faces of the other disciples, he often tried to paint the
face of Jesus, but couldn't make any progress. da Vinci felt frustrated and
confused. In time he realized what was wrong. His hatred for the other painter
was holding him back from finishing the face of Jesus. Only after making peace
with his fellow painter and repainting the face of Judas was he able to paint
the face of Jesus and complete his masterpiece.<br />
<br />
In my own life, I found forgiveness to be a necessary element in my own grief
reconciliation process after the death of my wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From one of my early Men’s grief blog posts: </span></h3>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.mensgrief.blogspot.com/2008/08/blog-post.html">More Forgiveness</a>
</span></h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Tonight I stopped by Timothy S's house in Cleves,Oh, the guy who hit
Sandra by his </span><span style="font-family: cambria, serif;">rossing the center-line. </span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">(</span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">26<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">July2006) c</span> This accident resulted in Sandra's right leg being amputated above the knee. This accident certainly shorten the time she had with us. She had been diagnosed with Stage 3 ovarian cancer a couple years earlier.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">I knocked on the door of his small modest house. His wrecked pickup from the accident sat out front. A tall strongly built man answered and confirm he was Tim S. I i</span><span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">ntroduced myself and told him I was there to forgive him for the
accident. I also told him Sandra forgave him long before she died.. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif";">T</span><span style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 11pt;">im said he was
sorry that the accident happened. He said he thinks about it almost everyday.
He explained he fell asleep at the wheel on the way home from work. He said he
had not been drinking and was not taking his pain meds because he couldn't work
if he was on the pain medication. We talked for sometime about the accident, Sandra's death and Christian forgiveness. He cried, Wwe embraced each and went our separate ways.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: cambria, serif; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">Our Christian
faith has much to say about forgiveness and its importance, if we are really
going to live it out and work through our feelings of grief and loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our Buddhist sisters and brothers also have
much to say on this subject. A Buddhist prayer says, " Hatred never ceases
by hatred, but by love alone is healed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "cambria" , "serif"; font-size: 11.0pt;">I never felt more spiritually healed than after the visit with Tim. It.was more cleansing for me than going to our Catholic Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession). There was something about that day, standing face to face, standing man to man, reconciling with a guy I had grown to hate for those past 2 years. The reconciliation opened me up to more healing in my mourning process.</span></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-23093098938642484862012-10-10T10:43:00.000-04:002012-11-09T11:15:30.387-05:005th Anniversary of My Wife's Death<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-size: large;">5th Anniversary of Sandra’s Death 10 October 2012</span><br />
<br />
<br />
Today is the 5th anniversary of my wife, Sandra’s,death. She died of ovarian cancer, on 10 October 2007after a 3 year battle. While much time has passed and I have moved through my feelings and grief and loss, there are still times I think about her and wonder what she would do in any given situation or another or her opinion about the Church or politics-and what she would think of how I managed since her passing. I have a lot of different thoughts this morning…<br />
<br />
After you spend 24 years spent together in marriage, raise two children and experience all the ups and down of life you are bound to have some found memories of those times. It doesn’t mean you haven’t “moved on.” It is more about honoring the memory as you experience the “new normal” and look for a bright future. <br />
<br />
A deceased spouse is not to be likened to a divorced spouse who is still around. A guy friend whose 20 year marriage ended in divorce tried to empathize, a couple of months after my wife’s death. He said “I know how you feel because…” This is simply not the same as some would want you to believe. You probably wouldn’t hang on to an ex-spouse’s photos or mementos following a difficult marriage and a nasty divorce. As a hospice bereavement coordinator I do not find it unusual to keep some pictures and other items from your late wife. To rid your home of every piece of memory of your late spouse, even years later, simply because they have died, isn’t right. Those memories are a part of your history and the history of your children. We don’t burn history books because past that time has passed. We save them to be studied later at another point in time.<br />
<br />
A friend and I came up with one way to manage the many photo albums, personal journals, quilts, pieces of jewelry, college degrees, certificates of honor, etc. We took the guest bedroom and arranged the items. If my daughters or I want to read the journals or look through photo albums we go into the room and spend some time. This way when they come to visit they aren’t over whelmed with emotion by being surrounded by all the memories. <br />
<br />
Holiday traditions…we had several holiday traditions that we did yearly as a family. One of these is crossing the Ohio River on Anderson Ferry to get pumpkins and cider. We did this before we had children and I continue it today. This year will be different, my older daughter who decided to start new traditions with her partner. My younger daughter wants to go and we will probably end up taking a couple of her friends with us. There are other times when it may be necessary to drop one tradition and find another that has meaning for you. <br />
<br /></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-71720689652328291242012-10-07T21:57:00.000-04:002012-10-07T21:57:52.933-04:00Making New Friends, expanding your Support System<span style="font-size: large;">How to Make New Friends after the death of your Wife.... </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Many guys whose wife dies suffer from loneliness. This loneliness may become an excuse for abusing alcohol or other drugs, sex, internet addiction, physical or mental health problems,etc. They may not so much looking for intimacy, but feel isolated and "on the outside looking in." This is particularly true with couples who made their life with each other as "best friends," but had few outside close friendships with other couples or singles. After their spouse dies they have difficulty in making new friends</span>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You may be sitting waiting for the phone to ring to see "How you are doing."</span> <span style="font-size: large;">Forget it. With a few exceptions, that kind of supports drops off after the first 3-4 months. It is your responsibility to reach out to others and tell them you want to talk, you need to get out of the house or you know you shouldn't be by yourself. I am not talking here about finding your next mate (wait a couple years or more for that). This is just about making new friends to expand your support system. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The other blog below gives some ideas how to make new friends. The blog is written by:</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"> <i><span class="font-size-2">Ellen Gerst is a grief and relationship
coach and workshop leader. She is the author of several books on both
topics, including: Suddenly Single: How To Move From Loss To Renewal;
Understanding Grief From A to Z; 101 Tips and Thoughts on Coping With
Grief; How To Mourn: Help For Those Who Grieve and the Ones Who Support
Them; Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story and Understanding
Dating and Relationships From A to Z. For a full roster of her books,
visit her<a href="http://www.lngerst.com/Library.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">website bookstore</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ellen-Gerst-www.LNGerst.com/e/B006IZ0FOW" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Amazon</a>. Connect with Ellen on Facebook to receive tips on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/FindingLoveAfterLoss" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">how to find love after loss.</a></span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">I
often hear from those that have lost a spouse that one of the hardest
things for them to witness is an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand.
It’s not so much the romance they wistfully lament but the implied
companionship that this couple is sharing. After all, friendship is the
foundation upon which all lasting romantic relationships are built.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms,geneva;"><span class="font-size-3">If you are not having much luck in the romance department, try another
avenue to solve this dilemma. Take some time to concentrate on simply
making new friends. An added benefit of new friends is that it
exponentially expands your social circle, which can give you an
opportunity to meet lots of new people. One of them may be a romantic
candidate just right for you!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet ms,geneva;"><span class="font-size-3"><i>Additionally,
feelings of isolation are also often felt by those who are mourning
someone other than a spouse. Taking steps to once again participate in
life, and making new friends in the process, is a healthy way to
overcome those feelings.</i></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">10 TIPS on HOW and WHERE TO MEET NEW FRIENDS</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">1.
The easiest way to meet people with whom you share common interests is
to take a class or join a group that centers on one of your hobbies.
This way you will already have a built-in starting point with the other
members.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">2. Be kind to yourself, and be a friend to yourself. Open your heart and allow yourself to be liked and loved.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">3.
Be open to honest and kind conversation. Balance your safety and your
wariness of others that may cause you to question if someone has an
ulterior motive for befriending you.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">4.
“Let’s get together soon” is too nebulous a statement when making
plans. Decide upon a specific date and time to meet. This assures it
WILL happen!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">5.
Always keep your word. Don’t say you’ll call and then forget to do so.
Remember, someone else is counting on your personal contact with him or
her.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">6.
Smile at people. You would be surprised how many others respond and
appreciate the good will and warmth you are spreading. It is an
inexpensive way to make yourself and others “light up” inside and out.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">7.
“What goes around, comes around.” Be the friend you would like to have,
and others will reciprocate in kind. Keep Ralph Waldo Emerson’s words
in mind: <i>“The only way to have a friend is simply be his friend.”</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">8.
Reach out to those less fortunate than you. Help others, personally or
through an organization. Your life will be enriched by your good deeds.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">9.
Allow yourself to be happy and content. Your positive attitude will
attract others to you. Everyone likes to be with positive people.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">10.
Initiate conversation. There's no rule that says you have to wait for
someone to approach you first. Be the first to say hello, and you will
be surprised how many people will respond to this simple, but brave,
gesture.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="font-size-3" style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms',geneva;">Although
there are many other ways to make and keep friends, I think Albert
Camus captured the essence of friendship when he said, <i>“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span class="font-size-2"><br /><a href="http://www.facebook.com/FindingLoveAfterLoss" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"></a></span></i></span>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-20817061009032692932012-08-15T12:21:00.001-04:002012-12-07T19:15:43.045-05:00Book Link for Children & Adults<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Book Link for Adult and Children's Books on Grief and Loss<br />
<br />
<a href="http://journeysthrugrief.wordpress.com/good-books/">http://journeysthrugrief.wordpress.com/good-books/</a></div>
Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5429826331783579251.post-14768052965366106832012-06-18T02:57:00.002-04:002012-06-18T02:57:59.676-04:00How Long Does Grief Last?How long is a piece of string? Grief, like love is an emotion connected
with the spirit. I am always reminded of the Resurrection image of
Jesus, He had no wounds, no pain but the scars remained. Grief is like
that. The pain can go with time but the scar of loss remains.Men's Grief Blogspothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00524286167561633078noreply@blogger.com0